


A loveseat was made for two, baby

by Hajinnie



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Language, Homophobic Language, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Secret Relationship, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-08-14
Packaged: 2018-12-07 16:44:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 35,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11627664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hajinnie/pseuds/Hajinnie
Summary: Kyungsoo has a crush on his new housemate, Jongin, but does not know how to deal with his unrequited love and growing unhealthy obsession. Jongin appears to be the epitome of  perfect and Kyungsoo thinks he’s the mad one, but there’s always space for two on the crazy train.





	1. Hi, I'm Kim Jongin

**Author's Note:**

> I'm new to the EXO fandom. Been following them since debut but damn I hope I'm not too late to stan these talented dorks.   
> This is a Kaisoo fic with characters of questionable mental health and actions. I do not in any way condone unhealthy relationships. Please get help if you feel like you might be in an unhealthy relationship. Relationships are meant to make your life more fulfilling, not harder on yourself.

A week before the college year starts, the residential district nearby is busy with students moving back into their shared houses after the holidays. Various cars pull up in driveways. Boxes of items are being hauled into the houses and families who have come to see each other off saying goodbye before being parted until the next holiday comes around. It was a gloomy day. The clouds covered the sun, the sky painted grey and it looked like it could rain heavily anytime.

Do Kyungsoo, a soon to be 2nd year architecture student is no stranger to this scenery and feeling as he carry his boxes up to the second floor into his room, ready to move back in after the long holidays. There were four rooms in the house Kyungsoo lived in during his school year. Kyungsoo never interacted much with his two housemates whose rooms were on the first floor. He had always been a quiet person and found those two to be rather loud and obnoxious. Kyungsoo only knew that they were transfer students from China and that their names were Yixing and Zitao. Kyungsoo guessed that they were some sort of business or art major, although he wasn’t sure of that himself. He never bothered to ask.

Kyungsoo stood in the doorway of his room having placed the box down on the floor to catch his breath. Wiping off the sweat on his chin with the sleeve of his dark green turtleneck sweater, Kyungsoo stared at the closed door of the room beside his on the second floor. Kyungsoo remembered its previous dweller. She was a veterinarian student and had been the only person Kyungsoo really talked to in the house. She was quiet herself but didn’t seem to mind Yixing and Zitao’s loud antics. She had graduated the previous year and Kyungsoo secretly hoped his new housemate would be someone like her.

Kyungsoo never expected Kim Jongin to show up with a beaming smile on such a cloudy day and his hand stretched out to greet the former.

Kyungsoo had fallen asleep on his bed with the door wide open from exhaustion of unpacking and putting everything in place. Kyungsoo was awoken with the mention of his name to find an unknown stranger standing at the foot of his bed ready to meet and greet.

“Hi, I’m Kim Jongin.” Jongin smiled at Kyungsoo. “I’m a freshman and I’m moving in the room next to you. I hope we’ll be good friends. Can I shake your hand?”

“Uh…okay”, Kyungsoo mumbled and sighed internally as he stretched his arm out to shake Jongin’s.

It soon started to rain heavily that flash flood warnings were issued in the area. The rain made the weather cooler. Kyungsoo sat with his legs pulled up to his chest on his bed as he ate some cup noodles while watching a drama on his laptop. It was cold indeed but Jongin’s hand was very warm. Kyungsoo drift off asleep that night to the sound of the rain hitting his window.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Classes started and Kyungsoo saw Jongin less often. Jongin had his freshman orientation and was often out of the house before Kyungsoo even got up. On the contrary, Kyungsoo was often home late and the exhausted Jongin was in bed by then. On the rare chance they got to see each other, Jongin never failed to smile and greet Kyungsoo.

“What’s up, hyung?” Jongin grinned while showing off his million dollar smile, on the occasion that they managed to run into each other.

Kyungsoo noticed that Jongin had a dimple on his cheek from that smile. That cute innocent dimple that accentuated Jongin’s face would be the death of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo so badly wanted to touch Jongin’s face but that would be gay. Kyungsoo knew that though. He was and is certainly very much gay. He didn’t know about Jongin though.

Kyungsoo did however run into Yixing and Zitao often instead. Much too often that they managed to persuade Kyungsoo into becoming their designated driver one night for a bar outing. Yixing and Zitao tried to introduce a freshman girl to Kyungsoo that night as thanks for driving them. Kyungsoo smiled and made small talk not wanting to hurt the girl’s feelings. Kyungsoo thought of Jongin the entire night.

Kyungsoo got home late that night and locked the house door shut after the Chinese duo managed to stumble back to their rooms in a drunken stupor. Quietly, Kyungsoo walked to his room and passed by Jongin’s. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but notice that the door was not properly closed. The lights were off and Kyungsoo slowly peaked to look inside. Jongin was asleep with the curtains drawn open. The dim street lights poured into the room from the window, allowing Kyungsoo to view the sleeping man. It took every fiber in the being of Kyungsoo to not go up and caress Jongin’s sleeping face and plant a kiss on his forehead. Kyungsoo barely knew Jongin and didn’t understand how he could be attracted this much. Not wanting to be labeled a creep and mentally scar Jongin, Kyungsoo retreated and shut Jongin’s door shut.   
Kyungsoo laid down that night in his cold empty bed and never felt alone more than he ever did.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Spring came and the days got warmer. Jongin seemed less busy with orientation being over. Kyungsoo saw Jongin more often and he was delighted. They had breakfast together some days and Jongin always asked to walk together to class after. Kyungsoo was too shy to ask but was glad Jongin took the initiative role. Above that, Kyungsoo was happy to spend time with Jongin. He really couldn’t say much about the mornings where Yixing and Zitao decided to interject and walk with them to class. The Chinese duo, as Kyungsoo called them, always left a trail of laughter and loud chatter whenever they went. Jongin laughed at their jokes and Kyungsoo was more than glad to see a cheerful Jongin. For once, he was grateful of the Chinese duo and their vibrant personalities. The rest of the time, he found them loud and annoying. Much too loud for a quiet person like Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo also learnt that Jongin’s birthday was only two days after his own, and the similarity sort of felt like he was so close to Jongin. So close, but still so far. January was a good eight months away but Kyungsoo couldn’t help but imagine holding a two days joint birthday celebration bash. Kyungsoo wanted to kiss Jongin on the cheek as he made his birthday wish before the candles go out. Kyungsoo wanted Jongin so bad.

Jongin slowly overtook Kyungsoo’s life. Jongin was the first thought in Kyungsoo’s mind when he woke up and the last thought in his mind when he fell asleep. Jongin’s name was also the name Kyungsoo moaned and had to bite back during those needy nights when he touched himself and the wave of his orgasm shuddered against him. Kyungsoo felt like a creep. He felt weird, wrong and guilty. He shamed himself for using Jongin to relieve himself, but at the same time wished it was Jongin who would lick off the cum stain with his mouth. Kyung shamed himself for his less than innocent thoughts. He was a normal adult with desire after all.

In the evenings when class had ended, Kyungsoo would find Jongin watching TV or texting on the couch. Overcoming his shyness, Kyungsoo would strike up a conversation in efforts of slowly getting to know his object of desire. Kyungsoo learned that Jongin was an education major and aiming to become a teacher once he graduated. Jongin was the eldest child of three and loved his family very much. He contacted them almost every day and wanted to make them proud. Kyungsoo could tell how much Jongin loved his family very much from the smile and tone he talked about them. Jongin spoke of himself and his dreams and urged Kyungsoo to do the same. Kyungsoo thought this couldn’t get any better until those words hit him like a car colliding with a brick wall at high speed.

 

_One day, I would like to have lots of children and a big family of my own._

 

Jongin’s voice resonated and echoed in Kyungsoo’s head.

 

Children. Family. The two words kept repeating on and on in his head even long after Jongin had fallen asleep and Kyungsoo was sitting up wide awake alone in his bed. Kyungsoo had made up an image and fantasy in his head of him and Jongin being a couple in a relationship some time from now while living out their days together. That was very gay of him he thought. He was very much gay but that being said, Kyungsoo felt further and distant from Jongin than ever.

Kyungsoo could never have a child or a family with Jongin. They were both male. It was biologically impossible and gay adoption is not legal in South Korea. Kyungsoo felt like a failure. He would do anything to see Jongin happy and the truth shattered Kyungsoo’s daydream into pieces. It made Kyungsoo feel less and adequate like he wasn’t good enough.

 

_But it’s not like Jongin and I were even a couple to begin with._

 

Kyungsoo consoled himself. The reality was that Jongin saw him nothing more than a hyung and a friend. He accepted that.   
Jongin was also likely not gay. Kyungsoo also accepted that.   
Kyungsoo realized he could never fulfill Jongin’s wish to have a family and children. With much pain, Kyungsoo accepted that too.  
Jongin would likely never be his anyway. Kyungsoo couldn’t accept that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kyungsoo was pained from his own thoughts. He couldn’t visualize his dreams of Jongin anymore. He second guessed and hated himself. His mind was a barren land. It was like he became two people at the same time. The voice in his laughed and mocked him.

 

_Jongin would never fall for a disgusting faggot like you_

 

But whenever he saw Jongin and spent time with him, it was like a whole new world. Everything seemed bright and the future looked optimistic.

 

_Maybe Jongin wouldn’t mind a gay man like me after all. He’s a good person. He’ll give me a chance._

 

Kyungsoo wanted to distance himself from Jongin to “move on” and spare himself the pain. He tried and he failed every time. Jongin ruined him. His smile and the dimples caught him like a fly and a Venus flytrap.

 

Jongin was so nice to him and noticed Kyungsoo being dampered lately.

“Are you ok, hyung?” Jongin asked a concerned Kyungsoo one morning at the dining table.

Kyungsoo immediately sat straight up and smiled when Jongin made his presence known. He was ok now. Jongin wrecked Kyungsoo. But it was also Jongin who made Kyungsoo ok. Kyungsoo wondered if Jongin knew how much power he held over him.

“I’m good. How about you?” Kyungsoo smiled widely and genuinely. Only Jongin could do this to him.

Jongin had the habit of not properly closing the door to his room. Kyungsoo was the first to return home one evening and saw Jongin’s door not fully shut again. Except, Jongin wasn’t there this time. Kyungsoo tried to fight back himself but when it came to Jongin he always failed miserably. Kyungsoo stole a jacket from Jongin’s closet which he had seen him wearing quite often. It still smelled like Jongin.

Feeling like he had killed someone and didn’t want to get caught, Kyungsoo rushed back to his own room and locked the door and drew the curtains shut. Kyungsoo quickly undressed himself, throwing the articles of clothing onto the floor. Slowly and exhilarating, Kyungsoo put on Jongin’s jacket and nothing else. It was large on his body. Jongin was bigger and taller than Kyungsoo was after all. Kyungsoo imagined Jongin’s warmth enveloping him. He was overwhelmed as his hands crept lower beyond his hips to grip his manhood. Kyungsoo stroked himself painfully slow and thought of nothing but Jongin. Once the high of his release was over and the jacket was smeared with his emission, Kyungsoo felt so wrong and so bad. There was no turning back now. Jongin wasn’t his yet but that wouldn’t stop him from trying.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The semester ended and the summer holidays came around. Yixing failed his classes and had to stay back during the summer for classes. Zitao had went ahead himself and returned to China for the holidays. Jongin had signed up for a summer course and decided to remain behind too. Learning of this, Kyungsoo’s heart was heavy to leave for the holidays. He fantasized himself spending the summer with Jongin and them falling in love. He was already in love with Jongin though. Kyungsoo hoped Jongin would eventually too.  
Kyungsoo really wanted to stay behind but he had to return to his hometown and help his grandparents with their grocery store, just like he did every summer before he met Jongin. Kyungsoo felt as if time that wasn’t spent around Jongin was time wasted. Kyungsoo hated that feeling so much.

 

While Kyungsoo was away, he would fantasize everyday about spending his time with Jongin instead. Kyungsoo’s hometown was by the beach and summer was the busiest time of the year. Traffic was bad  and the air was uncomfortable humid, but that didn’t bothered Kyungsoo. The numerous couples who came to the beach holding hands and acting all lovey dovey under the sun was what bothered him.

Kyungsoo became very jealous. He pictured himself in that situation with Jongin. He imagined them swimming in the cool sea and he could picture Jongin’s toned abs under the glistening sun. Kyungsoo had seen Jongin walking shirtless around their place and he was sure of that. He pictured himself walking down the beach with the sand between their toes as they watched the sunset. Then later at night he imagined having an outdoor barbecue and kissing Jongin under the stars. It was cheesy. Even Kyungsoo admitted that. His cheeks went red and he almost blushed thinking of it while arranging the stock on the shelves of his grandparents’ store.   
Kyungsoo had more than just innocent rom-com fantasies. It didn’t stop there. He imagined himself lying on the bed with his legs spread and Jongin pounding into him wantonly while moaning each other’s names. In his fantasy, Jongin would fuck him hard while gripping onto his hips until it bruised and his very being was carved into Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo wanted to belong to Jongin.   
Kyungsoo hated himself for his thoughts. He hated that Jongin wasn’t there. He felt as if he betrayed Jongin by being away. He hated his grandparents for being old and needing so much help around. Kyungsoo didn’t lie if he wished they would just die so he wouldn’t need to waste his summer months away. Kyungsoo thought it was terrible to think like that. But if Jongin had told him to kill a man so they could be together, Kyungsoo would have done just that.

Almost every night since the summer began, Kyungsoo would text Jongin back and forth. It was small talk and casual. Simply asking each other about their day and how they were doing. Kyungsoo also never failed to look through Jongin’s social media profiles every day religiously. He was slightly paranoid and scared that Jongin would start seeing someone. Kyungsoo felt lucky. Jongin seemed like he wasn’t seeing anyone over the summer. Kyungsoo began to felt scared and anxious all over again. His thoughts began to race.

 

_For how long anyway? Surely, almost anyone would be falling for a man like him. I’ll lose him if I don’t act fast. I’ll lose him. I cannot lose him. I love him too much for that._

 

Kyungsoo needed an intervention and he was going to do just that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Zitao never returned after the summer break. He had transferred all his credits and classes to a university in China. Yixing said that it was because Zitao was homesick and wanted to be close to his family. Kyungsoo noticed that Yixing seemed to mellow and quiet down with Zitao gone. As much as Kyungsoo hated to admit it, he did sort of miss Zitao’s presence. But that wasn’t important. Jongin was way more important to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo was so fixated on Jongin that he barely noticed another guy named Park Chanyeol who moved into their house. Chanyeol didn’t really exist to Kyungsoo.

Even if Kyungsoo didn’t have morning classes for a certain day, he’d wake up early nonetheless to have breakfast with Jongin. Sometimes he’d cook extra and say he accidentally made more just to get Jongin to eat his cooking. Kyungsoo memorized Jongin’s schedule and tried his best to fit himself in between it. From “accidentally” running into Jongin at the library and joining the music club to be with him, Kyungsoo also started hanging out in Jongin’s room under the pretext of group studying although they had totally different majors. If it weren’t for the course fees, Kyungsoo swore he would he start all over to switch majors to match Jongin’s.

Jongin of course noticed this but gave Kyungsoo the benefit of doubt. Jongin considered himself to be bisexual and believed that gender was irrelevant when it came to relationships. He wasn’t quite sure if Kyungsoo was just being nice or just being gay.

Jongin’s theory was confirmed when he found his long lost jacket in a box beside Kyungsoo’s bed. The jacket had rather questionable stains on it too. Jongin could only guess but he was pretty sure it was cum.

“Ugh, at least have the decency to wash it off.” Jongin muttered, disgusted at his finding.

Jongin went through Kyungsoo’s room and was confident enough to confirm that Kyungsoo was indeed very gay. Very gay for Jongin indeed. Jongin smirked and thought it would be fun to _fuck around_ with Kyungsoo. Jongin was getting bored after all and surely did not see it coming for his upperclassmen and housemate to be secretly in love with him. Being the nice boy only entertained him for so long.

 

 


	2. So so fragile

 

 

Jongin is a smart man. He dangled ideals and dreams over Kyungsoo’s head. Things he knew that Kyungsoo greatly desired from him. Kyungsoo felt reassured and winning. But as soon as Kyungsoo thought he was close enough, Jongin pulled it all back. Jongin had that power over Kyungsoo after all.

Jongin began to spend more time and initiating with Kyungsoo. Jongin brought Kyungsoo on night car rides to eat at roadside stalls under the pretense of wanting to spend time with a hyung. Jongin pretended that he really wanted to watch a movie but didn’t want to go alone. Jongin would purposely fall asleep on Kyungsoo’s arm late at night while they were watching TV on the couch. Kyungsoo didn’t want to move and fell asleep right there too. Chanyeol and Yixing walked in on them one night sleeping on the couch. Yixing didn’t say anything but Chanyeol certainly did stop to stare.

Jongin got bored fast enough. He thought that things were getting too plain and there wasn’t any excitement in stringing Kyungsoo along anymore. Jongin yearned to see an emotional reaction from Kyungsoo. There was one thing he thought he could do.

Jongin cornered Kyungsoo into admitting the theft and soiling of his once favorite jacket. Kyungsoo never questioned how Jongin discovered in the first place. Kyungsoo cried and pled mercilessly. He begged Jongin to not be disgusted and pull himself away. Kyungsoo couldn’t make it without Jongin. Kyungsoo was scared and declared his love for Jongin in the midst of the confusion.

 

Between sobs, Kyungsoo muttered the three words. “I love you”

There was a silent pause. Jongin stared at a sobbing Kyungsoo from the corner of his eye.

“I don’t like men though.” Jongin exclaimed with a clear voice. Jongin was lying. He did like men. Kyungsoo believed him.

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened in horror at Jongin’s words. Jongin threw the jacket at Kyungsoo and left his room, closing the door shut properly behind him. Kyungsoo could only manage to fall onto his chair still mute and shocked from the rejection. This was not how Kyungsoo imagined things to be. It was supposed to be a magical moment and Jongin would also declare his love.  Hadn’t he done enough? Maybe it wasn’t enough to make Jongin fall in love with him.

Kyungsoo had always wanted to know. He knew now that Jongin is not gay and did not love him. Kyungsoo wished he never knew now.

 

Kyungsoo cried his heart out that night till his eyes were sore and his head ringed with the pain. He never felt so empty and let down. Kyungsoo hated himself for feeling that way. He had fallen for Jongin too hard and too far down the rabbit hole. It was hard to see the sun and blue sky from how deep he was in. Kyungsoo dreamt of Jongin. But even in his dreams, Jongin felt so far away from him.   
Kyungsoo did not stop feeling restless for days after that. His heart was always racing. Breathing became difficult. He almost caught himself trying to rip his hair out from the anxiety and he had chipped a few of his nails from the excessive biting. Losing Jongin was pure hell. Kyungsoo wondered if he deserved all of this.

Kyungsoo skipped his classes the next few days. He lay in his bed all day wrapped in his blanket. It was already October and the weather had cooled down. He could see the leaves on the tree outside his window starting to turn yellow. The seasons had changed but Jongin never left his mind. Kyungsoo also made sure to avoid running into Jongin when he had to go down to the kitchen to eat.

 

After seeing Kyungsoo not attending classes, Chanyeol began to worry about him. Kyungsoo was eating over the sink late one night when Chanyeol came up and patted him on the back.

“Are you ok? You look like shit you know.” Chanyeol addressed and chuckled.

Kyungsoo stared at Chanyeol slightly annoyed. “I know that. You don’t have to remind me.”

Scratching his head, Chanyeol exclaimed “Well, I was making sure you were ok. You haven’t been going to class lately. I got worried man.”

“I’m alright.” Kyungsoo lied between his teeth. He hadn’t been alright. Kyungsoo faked a cough and muttered, “Just a bit sick. I’ll be fine.” Kyungsoo wasn’t a good liar but Chanyeol wasn’t good in noticing that either.

 

Kyungsoo returned to classes the next day. If he failed, his allowance would be revoked and he might have to move out from the house. Living together was the last thing he had to connect himself to Jongin. He had to go to class and did his best to avoid the person he wanted to see the most. Jongin himself didn’t bother to look for Kyungsoo either.

Avoiding Jongin only worked well for so long. Kyungsoo got home late one night once he was sure Jongin had gone to bed. Kyungsoo quietly walked down the corridor to his room. Jongin was careless again, or that was what Kyungsoo thought. Jongin’s door was not properly shut and left slightly open. Kyungsoo heard noises and curiosity got the better of him. Kyungsoo peeped to look and was immediately taken aback. Kyungsoo would have shouted in surprise but caught himself before he could. He didn’t want anyone to find out he had watched Jongin have sex with a girl.   
Jongin knew however and it was his intention all along.

Kyungsoo felt several emotions. Jealousy, anger and shame were one of the many but he couldn’t really decide from watching the man who had his heart make love to someone else. He didn’t care whether it was a man or woman but the fact that it wasn’t him bothered Kyungsoo relentlessly. Kyungsoo would kill to be in her place. Kyungsoo was tired and the rush of emotions waved over him. He was numb. He didn’t have the capacity to cry or get angry anymore as he lay down on his bed motionless and feeling empty. Kyungsoo didn’t even realize he had fallen asleep until he was awoken the next morning by the sound of his regular scheduled alarm. A part of Kyungsoo wished he didn’t have to wake up at all.

 

The girl came over often for the next few days and Kyungsoo ran into her a lot. Sometimes he’d come home to find her relaxing on the couch with Jongin. She greeted Kyungsoo but he would only lower his head and mumble his greetings back before hastily making it back to his room. Jongin remained silent but Kyungsoo could feel him watching. This time, Jongin felt distant but still so close. It was as if Jongin watched Kyungsoo’s every move and followed him everywhere. Kyungsoo was jealous indeed but he still had his studies to attend to and that a good job of distracting him.

 

Kyungsoo was awoken one morning by the sound of familiar voices in what seemed to be an argument. Kyungsoo got up to see what the fuss was about. Outside his door, Chanyeol was visibly very angry at Jongin. Yixing was standing beside Chanyeol’s side with his arms crossed and a pursed lip. He too looked angry at Jongin but didn’t say much. From the commotion, Kyungsoo found out that Chanyeol was mad at Jongin for bringing the girl home because it turned out she had overdosed on drugs the previous night at their doorstep. Chanyeol had found her there after returning from night classes and had to rush her to the hospital together with Yixing. Kyungsoo wondered how he slept through all that.

 

Later that afternoon once Jongin had left, Kyungsoo was asked to sit down with Chanyeol and Yixing to discuss a matter.

“We plan to kick Jongin out of this place. We can’t tolerate his behavior.” Chanyeol added. “He keeps bringing the girl home and now look what he did to her. He’s way too irresponsible and reckless.”

Kyungsoo was surprised but didn’t really understand the situation.

“What exactly did he do?” Kyungsoo asked “…to her?”

Sighing and leaning his head back on the chair with a mug of coffee in his hand, Chanyeol explained “She was arguing with Jongin last night when you weren’t around. They were arguing really loud and Jongin kicked her out saying he didn’t want to see her again. She was screaming something about killing herself if Jongin refused to see her.”

“I didn’t think she’d actually try.” Yixing added.

“Me neither”, Chanyeol stated before taking a sip from his drink.

Kyungsoo got really uncomfortable from the conversation. He loved Jongin still. He didn’t want Jongin to be kicked out. The house they lived in was the only last thing connecting the both of them to each other. Even if Kyungsoo were to protest against Chanyeol and Yixing’s decision, he would still be in the minority. There was nothing he could to help Jongin. At that point a thought struck in Kyungsoo’s mind

_“Would he even do the same for me?”_

Kyungsoo thought not. Jongin didn’t like him after all. Or so he thought. Kyungsoo reluctantly agreed to the unanimous decision. Kyungsoo decided to move on. There was no point in him clinging to Jongin. This would be a good break from Jongin. Kyungsoo knew it would be painful but trusted time to heal the wounds. A part of Kyungsoo felt like he had betrayed the man he loved so dearly.

Jongin moved out the next week once he secured a new place and Kyungsoo never heard from him again. No text or calls either. Kyungsoo didn’t see a reason why Jongin would be contacting him anyway. Kyungsoo also stopped going to the music club he had joined just to see Jongin. Kyungsoo himself stopped checking Jongin’s social media pages. Kyungsoo exercised self control and was rather proud of himself. Jongin and how they should have been together remained in his thoughts but Kyungsoo got better and better in ignoring it. Kyungsoo felt like he had himself together again, like a box properly tied up with strings so it doesn’t fall apart. Those strings were weak however. So so fragile.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

November came around. It had been almost a month since Kyungsoo last heard and seen of Jongin. A part of him wanted to see Jongin really bad. Another part of him thought he was doing a rather good of healing and moving on. The house seemed quiet since Jongin left. It seemed quiet to Kyungsoo only because in a crowd of people, Jongin would be the only one he notices. Everyone else seemed irrelevant. A close friend of Chanyeol named Byun Baekhyun had moved into Jongin’s previous room. The house wasn’t really quiet at all. It was lively and filled with laughter and merry again. Only Kyungsoo thought it was. The four of them got along pretty well. Even Zitao himself was doing well in China and often called to check up on his former roommates.   


After a hotpot dinner and a few beers one Saturday night with all of his housemates, Kyungsoo was the first to retire to his room for the night. He liked being around them but he got tired fast. Kyungsoo was happy and was smiling thinking of the jokes they had exchanged. Kyungsoo’s heart fluttered with joy. He really was on the path of self healing he thought. Nothing could change how he felt now.

Jongin could however.

 

 

“How are you, hyung?” Jongin smiled, looking up at Kyungsoo.

 

 

Kyungsoo stood at the open door to his room looking mortified. He couldn’t move a muscle at the intrusion. Jongin was sitting cross legged on his bed smiling at him. Kyungsoo had lots of questions but that didn’t seem to matter now. Everything Jongin did he seemed to excuse and justify. Kyungsoo knew that was wrong but he blamed only his love.

Kyungsoo slammed the door shut and threw himself onto the bed on Jongin. Kyungsoo hugged Jongin so tight he felt like he would never let go.

“I missed you so much.” Kyungsoo spoke between sobs. It was hard to see with the tears in his eyes but Jongin’s warmth and scent around him was enough.

Jongin ran a hand through Kyungsoo’s hair and the other ran up his back to comfort. Jongin laid his head on Kyungsoo’s shoulder still in his warm embrace.

“I missed you too.” Jongin gently whispered into Kyungsoo’s ear, blowing warm air around his neck.

At that moment Kyungsoo felt like he had done enough.

 

 


	3. We will see each other

 

Kyungsoo was a virgin. He didn’t know if getting a blowjob from Jongin meant that he was no longer a virgin. It felt close and Jongin was really good. Kyungsoo had never gotten a blowjob nor given one. It felt good. Very good. Much better than the solo sessions he had of jerking himself off to completion eversince discovering masturbation at the age of nine.

Kyungsoo couldn’t contain the pleasure. He moaned uncontrollably and had to cup a hand over his mouth to avoid anyone hearing him. He wasn’t sure how Jongin got into the house and his room but he was sure Jongin wasn’t welcome by the others. Kyungsoo sat legs open wide on the edge of his bed, his bottom half naked with Jongin sucking feverously on his dick, Jongin’s head bobbing up and down against his cock.  
Kyungsoo laid a hand on Jongin’s soft black hair and tried not to grab on too hard to avoid hurting the younger man. Kyungsoo had never done this before and all he knew was from the porn he watched, but receiving it firsthand felt very much different than everything he had watched previously.  
Kyungsoo tried to warn Jongin but lacking self control, he came all over Jongin’s face and his own thighs.

Kyungsoo tried to apologize and reach his bedside for tissues but Jongin reassured that everything was fine. Jongin helped cleaned Kyungsoo up. Kyungsoo wanted to return the favor but Jongin said he was tired and to _save it for next time_. Kyungsoo had never sucked a dick in his life but he was willing to try for Jongin.  
Kyungsoo laid in the small cramped bed with Jongin for a few more hours talking about the past month they had been apart. Kyungsoo felt like all of a sudden, he had himself put together again.

 

It was late and everyone had gone to bed. Jongin excused himself to try and sneak out while he could. Kyungsoo caught him by the arm before he could leave.

“What if I never see you again?” Kyungsoo asked worryingly.

Jongin hushed him, “I’ll text you my new address later. We will see each other.”

“Wait!”, Kyungsoo didn’t let go of Jongin’s arm.

“But I thought you didn’t like men. Why are you doing…this?” Kyungsoo asked confused.

Between a smile and a chuckle, Jongin responded “I’m free to change my mind anytime aren’t I?”

Kyungsoo stuttered, “I guess so?”

Kyungsoo wasn’t certain himself either. Jongin was too indecisive and inconsistent. He was the one who broke Kyungsoo but also the one who patched the broken pieces back together again. Jongin scared him but Kyungsoo swallowed his fear out of love. Love does make you blind indeed. Kyungsoo understood why now.

 

 

Jongin texted first giving the address of his new place to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was overjoyed and excited. He was over the moon he could say. Jongin invited him over the next day. Kyungsoo barely slept that night from excitement and rushed out the door at first daylight.

Kyungsoo didn’t own a car. He lived close enough to campus and his father was already helping him with rent and living expenses. Jongin did own a pretty nice car. Jongin never told Kyungsoo but he could guess Jongin was pretty well off. Kyungsoo walked to the nearest bus stop and took the bus about a district or two away to get to Jongin’s place.

 

 

Jongin currently lived in a small studio apartment on the top floor of an old building block. It was old and rustic but warm despite the weather. Kyungsoo only needed to knock twice before Jongin answered the door with a smile on his face. Kyungsoo politely entered and spoke to Jongin very formally despite being the elder one. Jongin helped to take Kyungsoo’s jacket off and made them both warm cups of coffee.

“Did you tell anyone you were coming here?” Jongin asked, sitting at a small table near the kitchenette facing Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo shook his head, eyes fixed on the table instead of at Jongin. “No”, he answered.

“Good boy”, Jongin praised Kyungsoo as he took a sip of coffee.

Kyungsoo smiled sheepishly. He was happy to be around Jongin, but he was also scared Jongin would “change his mind” again. It wasn’t fair on Kyungsoo but he didn’t realize that. Kyungsoo began to watch what he said and took precaution on anything he did. He was afraid of upsetting Jongin. He was afraid Jongin would leave him again. Kyungsoo didn’t want to experience that anymore. To him it was horrifying and upsetting.

But Jongin only had so much power because Kyungsoo allowed him to.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Kyungsoo practically began to live at Jongin’s place. Whenever he did not have class he’d take the commute to hang out at Jongin’s apartment regardless if Jongin was there or not. Jongin gave Kyungsoo a set of spare keys so he could come whenever. If Jongin wasn’t around, Kyungsoo would cook and clean for him and do everything in his capacity to accommodate Jongin.

Sleepovers became a common fixture. Jongin bought a sleeping bag for Kyungsoo to sleep in and placed it beside his bed so they could sleep close to each other. They kissed a few times but never more than that. Kyungsoo had tried to initiate intimate contact but Jongin always pushed him away saying “he wasn’t ready”.  
Kyungsoo wanted to acknowledge that but he knew Jongin was sexually experienced. Kyungsoo wondered what Jongin wasn’t ready for. Kyungsoo was the virgin here, not Jongin. Kyungsoo respected Jongin’s feelings and didn’t press on further. However, he did blame himself for the reason why Jongin refused to have sex.

 

_Maybe he hates inexperienced virgins. Maybe he won’t have sex with a man because I can’t give him children._

 

Kyungsoo’s mind was once again riddled by his feelings of insecurity. He already felt less than Jongin and it only made him feel smaller. But sometimes in the middle of the night during their sleepover, Jongin would invite Kyungsoo to sleep on the bed with him. It was a small bed made for one and it was stuffy with two but Kyungsoo didn’t mind it the least bit. Jongin was bigger and taller, and would spoon Kyungsoo while he slept. Kyungsoo felt very safe and secure.

Kyungsoo didn’t really understand Jongin. Jongin was always giving off uncertainty and mixed signals.

 

 

Everything seemed to go on well for a while. Jongin did not get angry or visibly got displeased. Kyungsoo didn’t cry because of Jongin anymore. Kyungsoo felt a bit more comfortable around Jongin but the looming feeling that all the bliss could be taken away at any moment never left him. You can predict the weather with today’s current technology but you couldn’t predict Jongin’s moods. Kyungsoo lived day to day feeling scared that it would all end in the blink of an eye, and that thought scare him very much.

Chanyeol, Yixing and Baekhyun began to notice that Kyungsoo was home less often lately. Kyungsoo lied through his teeth that he made new friends from his faculty and started hanging out with them, especially to have a study group with finals coming. But when they asked Kyungsoo to bring his alleged new friends over, Kyungsoo lied again giving excuses as to why that wouldn’t be possible. He could bring anyone over. Just not Jongin. Not since the incident. Kyungsoo was slowly getting better at lying. He had to adapt to survive. He felt odd about it though. Kyungsoo felt like he had changed so much within the short span of time of letting Jongin into his life. Kyungsoo couldn’t quite put a name to how he felt but he knew he did feel something.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

December came around. The weather grew colder and the holiday season was back. Kyungsoo always felt lonely during the holidays but he didn’t feel alone this year. He had Jongin after all. To Kyungsoo, Jongin was like a dare he say boyfriend. But Kyungsoo was still unsure if Jongin saw him that way. Jongin never explicitly stated so but he sure did treat Kyungsoo like a _boyfriend._  
Kyungsoo thought he knew what Jongin would answer when confronted with the question. But at the same time, Kyungsoo did not want to hear what Jongin would say. Kyungsoo knew. He just didn’t want to hear and accept it.

But how long could Kyungsoo lie to himself.

 

The topic of the winter holidays and how it should be spent arose. It was Jongin who had asked sometime during their final exams. Kyungsoo was sitting cross legged on the floor beside the coffee table with a book on his lap, carefully going through his notes. Jongin was lying on his bed going through his phone when Jongin popped the question.

“So, where are you going over the break?” Jongin inquired, turning to face Kyungsoo lying down on his side.

Kyungsoo looked up and paused. “Um…I’ll be going back to my family.”

“Oh. At that town by the beach?”

Kyungsoo nodded in affirmation before asking Jongin in return. “How about you?”

Jongin sighed, “No where really.”

 

Kyungsoo hate that side of Jongin. Jongin liked leaving things open ended and hardly ever gave him the definite answer Kyungsoo needed. But Kyungsoo was afraid to address that to Jongin. He was afraid of offending Jongin.

The room fell silent as the men stared at each other until Jongin spoke up.

“Can I go visit your family with you? It’s a long break you know and our birthdays are during that time. It’ll be our first Christmas and New Year’s together too. I’ll miss you otherwise.”

Kyungsoo was weak when it came to Jongin. He was glad Jongin wanted to be together during the holidays. Of course he wanted to spend those days together but there was another problem Kyungsoo had to address beforehand.

“…but”, Kyungsoo stammered unable to finish his sentence.

“but what?”, Jongin sat up from his lying position looking concerned.

“My family doesn’t know I’m gay. I haven’t came out to them yet. They will ask about you for sure..and my grandparents are very traditional. I don’t want to scare them yet with me being gay and everything.”

Jongin rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to tell them that obviously. Just say we’re friends instead of boyfriends.”

 

_Wait what? Did he just call me his boyfriend? Are we official now?_

 

Kyungsoo gulped. He was excited but for some reasons didn’t want Jongin to see that. He could feel his hands shaking in excitement. After almost 21 years in the existence of Do Kyungsoo, he finally had someone call him his boyfriend.

Kyungsoo had to ask however, “Won’t your family look for you during the holidays?” Kyungsoo added, “You didn’t return for the summer holidays. Won’t they want you to come home?”

Jongin laid back down on the bed with his arms crossed. “Fuck them.”

Kyungsoo was surprised Jongin said such a thing. Jongin seemed to talk highly and fondly of his family. Kyungsoo began to look worried seeing this side of Jongin.

Jongin noticed Kyungsoo’s changing expression and reassured him. “I’ll just tell them I have winter classes like I did during the summer.”

Kyungsoo thought this was it. This was life. He felt like he was finally living. He had a boyfriend and someone who wanted to be with him. Kyungsoo started thinking of how he would spend the winter with Jongin. Kyungsoo wanted to kiss Jongin under the New Year fireworks and watch the first sunset together. Kyungsoo wanted to lie down beside Jongin in the cold weather and warm each other up.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The semester ended and Kyungsoo was just about ready to return to his hometown with Jongin in tow until he received the news. Kyungsoo was walking down the snowy path on campus. He had just finished his final paper and was going to meet Jongin downtown after he had gone home to pack. They were going to take a train together back to Kyungsoo’s home.

Kyungsoo received a call from his mother and the news broke.

 

_“Grandma passed away today. She was run over by a car at the traffic light. It was a hit and run.”_

 

Kyungsoo stood still once he heard those words over the phone. It was quiet save for his mother’s sobs over the phone. Kyungsoo could hear the winds of the winter howling around him and the chilly air hitting his face. Sure, Kyungsoo did wish his grandparents dead during the summer. But he didn’t mean it and he would do anything to take it back. Kyungsoo was so close to ditching his grandparents last summer to be with Jongin. If he did so, Kyungsoo wouldn’t have been able to see his grandmother one last time. Kyungsoo felt disgusting for having such thoughts. Kyungsoo wondered which crazy god out there was fulfilling everything he had asked for.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since I have time, I'll go ahead and post the finished chapters. I do not have a beta reader so I apologize for any errors I might make.


	4. Do Kyungsoo, you idiot

 

 

All of the plans Kyungsoo had made with Jongin were abruptly cancelled. Kyungsoo returned to his hometown alone without Jongin. Jongin was rather sour about it and got angry at Kyungsoo for something that wasn’t even remotely his fault. Kyungsoo wondered if he really deserved the way Jongin treated him . Kyungsoo couldn’t bring Jongin back to his hometown in this situation despite how much he wanted to. Jongin made Kyungsoo choose between him and returning to his family.

Jongin shouted at Kyungsoo and threw whatever object in the vicinity towards him from across the room. Kyungsoo tried to avoid the volley of hurled household objects while avoiding looking at Jongin in the eye. A rather thick book still managed to hit Kyungsoo in the knee which admittedly did hurt.

Kyungsoo tried to leave.

“If you walk out that door, we’re over!” Jongin yelled harshly.

Kyungsoo had his hand on the doorknob ready to leave Jongin’s apartment. His back turned to Jongin. Kyungsoo did not dare to face Jongin. Kyungsoo did not need to look to tell how furious Jongin currently was.

Kyungsoo took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m sorry. I love you”.

This was a difficult decision but he didn’t want to feel more guilty than he already did.

Kyungsoo carefully closed the door as he left. He could hear Jongin screaming from behind the door followed by the sound of furniture being hurled and pushed over. Kyungsoo began to cry as he walked away. It didn’t feel real yet. It hadn’t hit him yet. But Kyungsoo knew how much it would hurt once it did. It was going to be a long and harsh winter.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The funeral and wake lasted seven days following Confucian tradition. Christmas fell during one of those days. Kyungsoo was supposed to spend it with Jongin. Kyungsoo thought of Jongin a lot even as he stood in silence all dressed in black at his grandmother’s vigil. Kyungsoo’s head was too much of a mess to think straight. He admitted it was difficult and much more than he could handle. Kyungsoo didn’t feel it yet. His mind’s emotional defensive mechanism was still in place for him to feel the loss.

Kyungsoo’s grandmother was liked and loved by the community. She had ran the grocery store with Kyungsoo’s grandfather for over 50 years and had left her mark in the town. Lots of relatives, friends and people from the town attended her wake. The hit and run case which had robbed her life was a pending investigation, and even the police and investigators came around to pay their last respects. Kyungsoo wondered if anyone would miss him that much. 

Over the next seven days, Kyungsoo refrained from checking his phone too much. Jongin did not try to contact him either. Kyungsoo jumped at the slightest sound of the text notification, but always hesitated to check when he did get one. It never was Jongin. Kyungsoo knew that and wanted to save himself the disappointment. Chanyeol, Baekhyun, Yixing and even Zitao had sent him their condolences. They were nice people and good people but somehow, Kyungsoo thought that if he could swap all four of them to be with Jongin, he might do just that. Kyungsoo wondered when he’d started having all these intrusive thoughts.

Once the seven days were over, the ashes of Kyungsoo’s grandmother were scattered into the ocean just as she had wished it to be done. The ocean was not far from his family home. They lived near the beach anyway. Kyungsoo’s family was still in a mourning period but everyone was trying to be as normal as possible especially with New Year’s Eve the very next day. Kyungsoo’s parents had urged him and his older brother to go out and celebrate the New Year so they didn’t feel depressed sitting around the house. Kyungsoo’s brother who still lived with the family had a night out planned with his co-workers. Kyungsoo didn’t have many friends and none in the town he grew up. Knowing this, Kyungsoo’s brother invited him along. Kyungsoo politely turned him down however. Kyungsoo just needed some time to be alone.

Kyungsoo woke up late on New Year’s Eve at almost noon, and spent his time watching dramas and eating junk food. Just before sunset, Kyungsoo decided to walk down the beach alone. The cold salty air hit his face and he breathed in deep taking the view of the final sunset of the year. Pulling his coat closer to his body, Kyungsoo let out a deep sigh and a tear rolled down his cheek. He couldn’t stop thinking of Jongin. Kyungsoo hated himself for being so dependent and pushed around by Jongin. Kyungsoo thought that he was finally becoming an independent adult but Jongin made him feel like a baby who constantly needed to be pacified. Jongin was the pacifier.

 

_Why are you like this, Kyungsoo?_

 

Kyungsoo could only blame himself.

 

 

Just as it was about to get dark, Kyungsoo was turning around to leave when he thought he heard Jongin’s voice shout his name.

“Kyungsoo!” The voice yelled.

Kyungsoo shook his head and paid no heed to the familiar voice calling his name. He believed he was imagining things.

“Do Kyungsoo!” The voice persisted

Kyungsoo continued walking to leave the beach and return home without once bothering to look up, his eyes fixated on his feet instead.

“Do Kyungsoo, you idiot!”

Kyungsoo felt something soft hit his head and looked straight up to see.  A thick scarf had been hurled at him. He wasn’t imagining things. It was very much real. Jongin was running towards him and immediately caught Kyungsoo in a tight embrace which set him a few steps back from the momentum.

Jongin hugged Kyungsoo tight, pressing his face onto Kyungsoo’s warm tear-stained cheek. Kyungsoo was still too surprised to react or say anything. The past week had been an emotional roller coaster to him. He didn’t have the time to catch his breath or decide how to feel. He felt like a ragdoll who was thrown around without care.

Kyungsoo took a while to come to his senses.

“What are you doing here?”, Kyungsoo asked because it seemed like that was what he should be doing. His voice slightly stammered.

Jongin finally let go from the hug and pressed his forehead onto Kyungsoo’s, the height difference forcing him to look down. Cupping Kyungsoo’s face with both of his hands, Jongin leant in and pressed a kiss onto Kyungsoo’s lips. Kyungsoo by instinct closed his eyes and tilted his head slightly, to allow Jongin to capture his lips fully. Kyungsoo kissed Jongin back as the cold sea breeze blew past them both.

Kyungsoo thought that he really was a crazy man. But he only blamed himself.

 

 

Jongin followed Kyungsoo back to his home. It was empty. No one would be home until after midnight. Kyungsoo’s parents had tried to make everyone go out and have fun for the New Year. Despite the recent loss in the family, they didn’t want to burden anyone and hoped for things to return to normal as much as possible.

Once everything had settled in, the situation didn't seem too surprising anymore. Jongin knew Kyungsoo’s address in his hometown because he had been planning to spend the winter holidays there in the first place. The house was empty when Jongin came around but he had asked a neighbor who happened to see Kyungsoo walking down towards the beach.

“Will you let me in your room?” Jongin asked the moment he stepped into the doorway, while Kyungsoo was taking of his shoes

Kyungsoo answered, “Sure. But it’s currently being used to house the altar table. I hope you don’t mind.”

Jongin paused and pondered. “Why would they put it in your room though?”

“Well, its temporary until the mourning period is over.” Kyungsoo replied as he hung his coat up.

Jongin shrugged his shoulders. Jongin hadn’t really lived to see a close family member pass away. He didn’t understand the whole deal. Jongin’s life was rather complacent.

 

 

Kyungsoo had a rather traditional looking room complete with sliding doors, although it was pretty empty as he had left most of his stuff in his shared house. Kyungsoo had only brought his clothes and a laptop with him since he was in a rush when he had to leave, also considering after the fight he had with Jongin.

Kyungsoo slept on a traditional sleeping mat which was big enough for two and looked comfortable enough with the added pillows, blankets and comforters. Jongin had only brought with him a medium sized bagpack with a few clothes and toiletries to visit Kyungsoo and show up unannounced. They had left on a rather bad note and Kyungsoo was afraid to ask. Kyungsoo damn sure had lots of questions but was too scared to anger Jongin. He was scared Jongin would just cut everything off again.

 

_Why do you have to let him rule over you that much?_

 

Kyungsoo debated to himself.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo made dinner for the both of them and was thinking of an excuse to use when his family returned and asked about Jongin, who was obviously going to spend the night there. Kyungsoo then thought that his parents wouldn’t really mind either way. They would be more than delighted to see him actually bring someone over. Then he thought that they would certainly kick up a big fuss over Kyungsoo bringing a “friend”. He couldn’t quite say that boyfriend word too soon. Kyungsoo wasn’t ready to come out yet.

After dinner, Jongin showered and snuggled into one side of Kyungsoo’s sleeping mat.

Kyungsoo saw this and asked, “Isn’t it too early to sleep? The fireworks will wake you in a few hours.”

Jongin lied down on his side facing Kyungsoo standing in the doorway still wearing an apron from washing dishes.

“Not if you join me.” Jongin winked.

“Um..” Kyungsoo pondered. “I will in a moment.”

 

 

Kyungsoo sure took his sweet time in the shower. He thought about a lot of things. He thought about how much he had been through in the past year. He thought about the feelings Jongin made him feel. Long showers and contemplating life while at it seemed to be a New Year's eve tradition. It wasn’t always nice but Kyungsoo pushed that thought away. He wanted to tell Jongin how much it stressed him out but Kyungsoo was afraid and doubted himself. It was his problem he believed, not Jongin’s. Kyungsoo would deal with it himself.

 

_“He’s with me here right now. I shouldn’t complain. This is  already more than what I can ask for.”_

 

Kyungsoo believed that. He was better at lying to others but not to himself.

 

 

Jongin jumped a naked Kyungsoo the moment he got out of the shower attached to the room. Hugging Kyungsoo’s still wet body from behind and wetting his own clothes all together, Jongin licked the water dripping from Kyungsoo’s nape. Kyungsoo had no qualms about being naked around Jongin.

“It’s a bit salty.” Jongin murmured against Kyungsoo’s skin.

Kyungsoo was trying to find something to say when Jongin turned him around so they could face each other.

With one finger, Jongin used it to tilt Kyungsoo’s chin to meet him in the eye. Jongin had his other arm wrapped around Kyungsoo’s waist. Kyungsoo tried to shy away and release himself from Jongin’s firm grasp.

“Jongin, I’m still wet.” Kyungsoo resisted.

“I don’t mind.” Jongin stated. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”

“What?” Kyungsoo was confused.

Kyungsoo had managed to release himself from Jongin’s grasp and turned around to grab his towel on the rack to dry off.

Jongin slouched against the entrance to the shower with his arms resting on his hips. “Didn’t you want me to make love to you?”

Kyungsoo was wiping his face when he heard those words. With the towel still in his hands, Kyungsoo’s arms dropped to his hips. He swore he was going to blush from the embarrassment. He felt like a teenage girl in a high school cliché romance situation. Except that he was in college and a man. They both were actually.

 

 

Kyungsoo let Jongin lead him to the sleeping mat. Kyungsoo never got dressed as he helped Jongin undress. Jongin’s sweater came off first and was thrown onto the wooden floor. Kyungsoo fumbled with Jongin’s belt buckle. He was shaking from nervousness and was clumsy with trying to take it off.

Jongin chuckled at Kyungsoo and took the belt off himself instead. Kyungsoo knelt in front of a standing Jongin, slowly pulling down his trousers. Jongin stepped out of his trousers once it was around his ankles. Kneeling, Kyungsoo was face to face with Jongin’s clothed bulge. He had never seen Jongin’s dick. He had only imagined it, but right now he was presented with the real deal.

Kyungsoo impatiently removed Jongin’s boxers and freed his boyfriend’s length. The size was impressive, fitting for a man Jongin’s size. Kyungsoo was almost four inches shorter in height compared to Jongin but could proudly say at that moment that his penis wasn’t that much far off. Kyungsoo wondered when he started comparing penis sizes anyway.

Jongin sat in front of Kyungsoo and kissed the elder chastely on his lips.

“Do you know what to do?” Jongin asked cheekily.

Kyungsoo shook his head. He was shy and inexperienced and would prefer Jongin to take the lead.

“That’s alright then. Lie down.” Jongin instructed Kyungsoo calmly.

 

Kyungsoo liked it when Jongin was nice and patient with him. Kyungsoo had to enjoy the mood while it lasted. He knew how unpredictable Jongin could get. This could all end in the blink of an eye. 

Kyungsoo laid down as Jongin had asked him to. Jongin smiled from above before straddling Kyungsoo’s hips and catching his lips in a fiery kiss. This time, Jongin made sure to use his tongue to invade Kyungsoo’s mouth. This was Kyungsoo’s first French kiss. Jongin had both hands holding Kyungsoo’s face in place. Kyungsoo couldn’t resist and moaned into the kiss and intertwining of their tongues.

Before Kyungsoo could realize it, Jongin had sneaked a hand between them to grab onto Kyungsoo’s still limp shaft. Kyungsoo moaned even louder into the kiss from the sudden sensation. Jongin broke away from the kiss and moved down to pay attention to Kyungsoo’s nether region. Jongin carefully and slowly tugged on the full length of Kyungsoo’s member a few times before it stood fully erect. Jongin was actually impressed at how fast Kyungsoo could achieve that.

 

Jongin swallowed the whole length of Kyungsoo’s erection in one gulp. Jongin was way too good at this. Jongin pulled out to run his tongue on the underside of Kyungsoo’s hardened member all while never breaking eye contact. Kyungsoo grunted in pleasure from the added visual stimulation. Jongin was too good at this that it was becoming almost sinful.

Jongin did feel like gagging a few times but it didn’t stop him from deepthroating Kyungsoo’s entire length. Jongin’s free hand worked very well to stimulate Kyungsoo’s scrotum. When Kyungsoo felt the back of Jongin’s throat hitting the head of his member, it made him quiver from pleasure and release an uncontrollable moan. Kyungsoo began to worry someone might come home and hear him. Kyungsoo bit his lower lip to try and suppress his wanton sounds. Jongin chuckled to himself and thought Kyungsoo looked adorable. Jongin would occasionally release Kyungsoo from his mouth to wipe off the leaking precum with this thumb and smear the cum on Kyungsoo’s own stomach.

Kyungsoo could feel it coming. His orgasm was close but interrupted when Jongin released his member from his mouth. Kyungsoo grunted from the sudden loss of sensation. Kyungsoo was flushed red now and his heart was racing as he brought up an arm to cover his face. Kyungsoo was also breathing very heavily. His cock was throbbing, erect and leaking pre-cum. It was beginning to feel excruciating.

Jongin wedged his knee between Kyungsoo’s thighs, lifting Kyungsoo’s hips up to spread his legs and positioning himself between them.

“I’d have you turn around but I want you to watch this. It’s your first time after all.” Jongin callously mentioned from above Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo removed his arm to look at the man above him. Jongin had pulled out a condom and a bottle of lube from his bag pack just lying beside the sleeping mat. Kyungsoo suspected Jongin had planned this all along. He was too prepared. Jongin had came here and expected to get laid..

Jongin lifted Kyungsoo’s right leg and folded it, pushing it to Kyungsoo’s chest.

“Hold your leg up”, Jongin demanded.

Kyungsoo did as he was told, wrapping his arms around the folded leg against his chest to keep it in place.

 

Slowly and gently, Jongin pushed in a lubricated middle finger into Kyungsoo’s entrance. Jongin made it up to the second knuckle when Kyungsoo finally noticed the intrusion. Kyungsoo let out a pleasured sigh at the thought of Jongin “entering” him.

“Shh..it’s alright.” Jongin reassured when he felt Kyungsoo beginning to breathe heavily.

Jongin soon had two fingers inside Kyungsoo slowly circling and stretching out the muscles. Jongin was about to add a third finger and it was starting to feel good when Kyungsoo was hit by a sudden realization.

“Oh shit.” He cursed out loud, letting go the leg he had been holding up.

“Did I hurt you?” Jongin asked, stopping the movement of his hands but fingers still in place inside Kyungsoo.

“No. It’s not that. Its..”, Kyungsoo motioned with his head to the heavily adorned altar of his grandmother on the wall across them.

Jongin stared at disbelief, once at the altar with the picture of Kyungsoo’s smiling grandmother and next at Kyungsoo. Jongin was still two knuckles deep into Kyungsoo’s loosening entrance.

“Uh...do you want me to stop?” Jongin suggested. He didn’t really want to stop. Jongin was already half hard himself from stimulating Kyungsoo.

The room was silent. Kyungsoo and Jongin looked at each other in the eye. Kyungsoo didn’t know what to do. He felt like he was disrespecting his grandmother’s memory but he was eager to lose his virginity right there and then to none other than Jongin, whom he loved very much.

 

 

_Damn it, grandma_

 

 

“No. Don’t stop. Please, Jongin.” Kyungsoo pleaded desperately and pulled his leg back up again to fold it against his chest once more.

Jongin grinned with an almost villainous look. “You’re going to make grandma proud, boy.” As soon as he finished his sentence, Jongin pushed the third finger in. Kyungsoo’s back arched over the mattress as his free hand gripped the bed sheets.

Once Jongin thought Kyungsoo was ready, he removed his fingers from within Kyungsoo. Jongin wasn’t quite ready yet himself but after a few pumps of his cock with his own fist, Jongin was now too fully erect. Jongin easily slipped the condom on and placed an unused pillow below Kyungsoo’s bottom to elevate his hips for easier access.

Jongin slowly and carefully eased himself into Kyungsoo. Jongin too began breathing heavily and erratically from the constricting pleasure of Kyungsoo’s tight muscles clenching around him. This time the feeling of pleasure was very much mutual and shared. Jongin was avoiding eye contact with Kyungsoo, his eyes lidded and dark messy hair hanging over his face.

 

Jongin pushed in further by an inch or two to warm Kyungsoo up. Jongin looked to Kyungsoo for the confirmation. Kyungsoo nodded his head lightly. With both arms gripping each side of Kyungsoo’s hips, Jongin began with shallow and light thrusts. Kyungsoo moaned loudly with pleasure, his back further arching off the mat. Jongin slowly picked up the pace and was soon balls deep within Kyungsoo. Jongin lifted Kyungsoo’s right leg and hoisted it onto his shoulder, allowing Jongin to thrust deeper. Kyungsoo grabbed onto Jongin’s shoulder to keep himself in place. He was squirming around too much, mind blinded by the pleasure.

Kyungsoo reached his hand between their bodies to touch his ignored member. Jongin removed a hand from Kyungsoo’s hip to slap his hand away, and proceeded to tend to Kyungsoo’s member with slow agonizing strokes, all while maintaining and never breaking the rhythm of his thrusts.

Kyungsoo came first with his cum spilling all over his chest and Jongin’s. Kyungsoo’s throat was dry and sore. He never moaned so hard in his life. Kyungsoo couldn't quite believe that he lived to see the day where he'd cum from having a dick in his ass. Kyungsoo moaned too much that it felt like his voice was doing it without his own consent. He couldn’t control himself and he really didn’t care anymore if anyone heard him. He guessed he’ll just come out as gay the next day if that was the case. 

The thought of his grandmother possibly watching over him from heaven was burned into his mind. It was uncomfortable but Jongin was so good. Kyungsoo couldn’t care anymore as he laid there exhausted. Jongin’s thrusts were beginning to get messy and sloppy. Jongin wasn’t a moaner but his grunts and erratic breathing showed how close he was getting.

“Fuck”, Jongin cursed under his breath that it almost sounded like a growl, as he came into the condom still balls deep inside Kyungsoo. Jongin thrusted a few more times, riding out his orgasm before pulling out and lying down exhausted beside Kyungsoo. Jongin carefully took the condom off to avoid spilling before tying it into a knot and tossing it onto the floor.

The room was dark and silent as they laid side by side looking at each other in the eye. Fireworks started to go off and the dark room was illuminated by the burst of bright colorful lights that came in through the window. Not a word was exchanged and the only sounds were that of their breathing and the fireworks in the distance.

The candle on the altar flickered and burned. The picture of Kyungsoo’s grandmother looming above them didn’t bother Kyungsoo anymore. Kyungsoo wasn’t even the least bit bothered by the thought of getting an ass pounding in front the memory of his grandmother. Kyungsoo closed his eyes and leant in to snuggle around Jongin’s chest.

Embracing Kyungsoo, Jongin kissed Kyungsoo’s hair and muttered against his breath “I think I might be in love with you.”

 

 


	5. Close

Jongin spent another week at Kyungsoo’s place. Jongin was introduced as a “friend”. Kyungsoo’s family didn’t mind having Jongin over and was happy that he actually knew someone that well. Kyungsoo’s family was beginning to worry that he might get lonely in college as he had always been shy and quiet since a young age. 

There wasn’t much opportunity for Kyungsoo and Jongin to be intimate with people around. Kyungsoo was loud and it would be hard for them to keep it quiet despite sharing the same room. Furthermore, Kyungsoo’s parents urged him to get out of the house and show Jongin around town. Kyungsoo thought that the one benefit of being a closeted gay man was being able to walk around with his boyfriend in public and everyone would have thought that they were just good friends.

Kyungsoo wasn’t ready yet to come out to his family which now consisted of his mother, father, elder brother and grandfather. He longed to show off Jongin proudly to the world as his boyfriend, but the world he lived in did not react very well to his “kind”. He too was worried about the consequences that Jongin might have to face if he did so. He was worried about Jongin above the own worry he held for himself. In the worst case, Jongin would have been disowned by the family he spoke very highly of.

 

 

Jongin left after the first week in January was over to return to the city. Jongin had a part time job in a café he had to start at. Kyungsoo stayed behind with his family until the day before his birthday. It was the first birthday he would be spending with Jongin and he had wanted it to be special, especially with Jongin’s birthday just two days later.  
Kyungsoo did not fight with Jongin this time they had to be apart. Jongin was in a good mood and had got along well with Kyungsoo’s family while he was around too. They bade each other goodbye at the train station and Jongin had managed to sneak in a kiss without anyone looking. Kyungsoo thought that was rather cheesy but very cute too.   
All was fine but Kyungsoo was a bit worried he’d make Jongin upset. Taking care of Jongin’s feelings was top priority. He had the gut feeling Jongin did not treat him the same way but he didn’t really want to know.

The grades for the previous semester were out during the week they were apart. Kyungsoo managed to get onto the dean’s list by a close shave. It was close but it made him happy nonetheless. Kyungsoo eagerly texted Jongin to inform him of the news and ask about his boyfriend’s results too.

Jongin did poorly. He did not fail and was allowed to continue the next semester but he did worse than previously. Jongin sounded dull and drunk over the phone, slurring his sentences as he spoke.  Kyungsoo reassured Jongin that it would be alright, but Jongin wasn’t really listening. Jongin was very drunk indeed and hung up on the phone, leaving Kyungsoo hanging mid-sentence. It left Kyungsoo into a wave and rush of panic. He was worried he had said something wrong to upset Jongin.

Kyungsoo tried to call Jongin back but the calls were never picked up. Kyungsoo resorted to texting but Jongin never saw or replied to it. Kyungsoo must have thought that he did something wrong. He shouldn’t have asked about Jongin’s grades and made him upset. Kyungsoo thought it was definitely his fault. How was he supposed to know though? Kyungsoo couldn’t stop shaking and had to grab his hand to stop it from trembling too much. His appetite was gone and he was sweating despite the freezing weather. Kyungsoo barely slept that night and woke up in a bed of his own sweat.

 

_Why am I such an idiot?_

 

 

Kyungsoo left the next day, a day earlier than planned to see Jongin. He had to. Nothing could calm his feelings unless he did so. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure about the person he was slowly becoming. His thoughts didn’t feel like his own. The train ride felt sickening and nauseous. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if it was him or the motion sickness. Kyungsoo never recalled getting sick on a train so it had to be the other. Kyungsoo sat in the brace position with his head between his legs to stop himself from the urge of throwing up. Kyungsoo was grateful no one was sitting beside him to witness him in that distressing moment. Kyungsoo certainly did not have the energy to be explaining. It felt like one of the longest train rides Kyungsoo had ever been on, but time seemed to stretch for himself only.

Once Kyungsoo arrived, he stumbled through the streets from the train station to make his way to Jongin’s apartment. He was worried for Jongin but not himself. Kyungsoo wondered when he stopped caring for himself. Jongin meant the world to him and Kyungsoo thought that caring for just Jongin was what he should be doing. Kyungsoo was dizzy and still felt sick. The world was spinning around him. He felt like throwing up and gagged a few times, almost vomiting but never getting there. Passerbies were obviously avoiding him and a few of them shot him disapproving glances. Kyungsoo was a total mess and looked like a loitering drunkard on the streets. It wasn’t a surprise really why people were avoiding him.

 

_I have to get to Jongin._

 

Kyungsoo had to make it to Jongin. It was only a few blocks away. He could do this he thought. He was close. Kyungsoo heaved a sigh of relief once he made it to the lobby and staircase of Jongin’s apartment block. It was an old building between some shops and only had four floors. There was no elevator and Jongin lived on the top floor.  
But before he could begin the climb up, Kyungsoo’s legs gave way from the stress and he fell sideways, scraping his right shoulder on the brick wall of until he fell to the ground. His vision went dark and he couldn’t remember anything that happened after that.

 

 

Kyungsoo woke up with a pounding headache in a familiar place. It was on Jongin’s bed. Kyungsoo shot up from his lying position at the realization. He was indeed lying on Jongin’s bed in his apartment. Kyungsoo saw his bag pack placed in a corner and his phone charging on the bedside table. Jongin wasn’t in sight however. Kyungsoo reached out for his phone and looked at the time. It had been a few hours since he passed out. It was evening and the sun was about to set. Daylight was short in the winter. Kyungsoo had felt like he passed out for an eternity already.

Kyungsoo needed to find Jongin. Kyungsoo knew that it was Jongin who had found him passed out on the stairs and carried him in. Kyungsoo still needed to make sure Jongin was ok. Jongin sounded worrying over the phone and had not been replying to his text or missed calls. Kyungsoo tried to get up but his stomach hurt way too much. Kyungsoo could barely manage to lift himself up without flinching.

Kyungsoo began to notice the sound of running water coming from the shower. The water was running and he could see the steam seep in between the crevices of the door. Jongin had to be there, Kyungsoo thought. Kyungsoo felt a rush of adrenaline flowing through him. It made him ignore the pain and he got up to walk across Jongin’s studio apartment towards the shower on the other end.

Jongin didn’t lock the door to his shower. He never had the reason to do that since he lived alone. Kyungsoo twisted the door handle and swung it open, releasing a thick wave of hot steam and vapor into his face.

A naked and wet Jongin stared back at Kyungsoo. The warm water from the shower head was still running, creating more steam into the air and condensing the area around it.

 

“Jongin”, Kyungsoo only had the energy to say his name out loud.

“That’s me”, Jongin responded, moving away from the running water.

Kyungsoo swore like he might cry but his tears just didn’t flow. He just needed to know one thing.

“Are you ok? I was worried about you. Why didn’t you answer my calls or texts?” Kyungsoo’s voice was shaky and breathless. He began to shiver and feel the pain again once the adrenaline rush was over.

Jongin reached out a wet palm and rested it on Kyungsoo’s cheek lovingly. Before Kyungsoo could open his mouth to say anything further, Jongin used the very same hand to harshly pull Kyungsoo by his hair. Jongin pulled Kyungsoo hard until he stumbled into the shower and under the falling warm water. Kyungsoo was fully dressed and now drenched from head to toe.

 

Jongin released his hand from Kyungsoo’s hair to pull him into a hug. Kyungsoo for once felt annoyed at Jongin’s behavior of simply dismissing things like this. Kyungsoo had an issue to bring up with Jongin, but Jongin obviously didn't care or read the situation. Kyungsoo pushed Jongin away by the shoulders and turned to leave. If Kyungsoo stayed any longer, he was going to blow up. Kyungsoo was too much in pain for that. Jongin caught Kyungsoo from leaving by enveloping him with a back hug. Jongin’s hold was tighter this time.

“What the fuck are you doing?”, Kyungsoo protested as he tried to release himself from Jongin.

“Not much really.” Jongin nonchalantly replied.

 

If Kyungsoo was annoyed then, he was sure as hell pissed and angry now. Jongin pulled him back under the shower again. Kyungsoo actually stopped resisting to see what Jongin was up to. With Kyungsoo’s clothed back still pressed against Jongin’s naked front under the running shower, Jongin put a hand out to tilt Kyungsoo’s chin up. Kyungsoo’s head was tilted back to meet Jongin’s face. Jongin’s height advantage allowed him to do this.

Jongin’s hair was wet and the droplets of water continued to fall against them, trickling down their faces. Their eyes met and exchanged lots of emotions from just looking at each other, although not a single word was said between them both. Using both hands to support Kyungsoo’s neck, Jongin kissed Kyungsoo in the position they were still in. Kyungsoo closed his eyes but did not kiss Jongin back. Jongin gently bit Kyungsoo’s lower lip before breaking away from the kiss. Jongin released Kyungsoo from his grasp. Kyungsoo freed himself and walked out of the shower in his wet clothes, before turning to angrily look at Jongin in the eye. Kyungsoo slammed shut the door to the shower. Kyungsoo's irritation was shown on his face and it was the first time Jongin had seen him that way. 

Kyungsoo needed to address Jongin’s behavior this time, and he was going to do it once the pain and nausea had subsided. Kyungsoo developed a fever into the night and got really sick the day before his birthday. He was throwing up anything he ate or drank. His temperature was worryingly high and the headache only got worse. Even his stomach began to hurt badly. Kyungsoo could barely even get up. Kyungsoo was rather snappy at Jongin too. Jongin was a bit scared to approach Kyungsoo and let him sleep on the bed. 

Jongin began to panic when he returned from his part time job and tried to wake Kyungsoo up for dinner. Kyungsoo didn’t wake up.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there :D  
> I haven't wrote much in these endnotes and would like to thank everyone reading this. Feel free to leave your comments, opinions and any questions you have. I hope everyone has a good day~  
> This is the first fic I've written in years and I might be a bit rusty so I'd like to apologize for any errors I make.


	6. Anything for you

Jongin immediately called the emergency services once he failed to wake Kyungsoo up. Jongin gave the dispatcher his address and was informed an ambulance would arrive in 30 minutes.

“30 minutes!?” Jongin almost shouted. “That’s not good enough.” Jongin ended the call and did what he knew he had to do.

If he could carry a fainted Kyungsoo back up to his apartment, Jongin thought that he could also carry Kyungsoo down to his car and drove him to the hospital himself. Jongin quickly put a coat on and shoes on before doing the same for an unconscious Kyungsoo. Jongin grabbed his keys and stuffed it into the outer pocket of his coat. He then hauled Kyungsoo’s arm over his shoulder whilst using his free arm to support Kyungsoo’s waist. Jongin made it out of the apartment to his car with Kyungsoo in tow in seven minutes. Jongin threw Kyungsoo into the back seat before slamming the car door shut. He was determined to make it to the hospital before the emergency services even arrived.

Jongin never drove faster than he did that day. He ran all the traffic lights and stop signs. There was only one thing on his mind and that was to get help for Kyungsoo fast. Jongin looked up to his rear view mirror several times. Kyungsoo still unconscious in his backseat only sent his heart racing in fear even more. Jongin floored the gas pedal and was pretty sure he would need new tires after this.

Jongin’s car came to a screeching halt at the hospital’s emergency cases entrance. With the engine still running, Jongin quickly got out to get Kyungsoo from the backseat. The nurses and paramedic workers who saw him trying to carry an unconscious man came to his assistance.

“We’ll take over from here”, a nurse affirmed before Kyungsoo was put onto a stretcher and vanished from Jongin’s sight.

_Don’t leave me_

Jongin did it within all of 16 minutes.

 

 

Jongin did the task of calling Kyungsoo’s family to inform them of their son. Jongin relayed the information the doctor had told him. Kyungsoo had a ruptured appendix and was going into a potentially lethal septic shock. The doctors estimated that Kyungsoo’s appendix had burst a day or two prior and if he wasn’t brought sooner, he wouldn’t have made it. Kyungsoo was prepped and immediately brought into surgery.

Kyungsoo’s mother and brother arrived later that night, not long after the surgery had ended. They relentlessly thanked and bowed to Jongin for helping save Kyungsoo. It was Kyungsoo’s birthday the next day and Jongin had wanted to accompany him until he woke up. However, Jongin was tired and it very much showed on him. With some persuasion from Kyungsoo’s mother to go home and rest, Jongin returned home planning to just shower and get a change of clothes.

It was just a few minutes past midnight on January 12th when Jongin arrived at his dark empty apartment. It was Kyungsoo’s birthday already and this was not how Jongin had planned the day to begin. Jongin took a long warm shower and made himself a cup of tea as he tried to relax his nerves. Jongin was determined to return back to the hospital a bit later. He was going to be there when Kyungsoo woke up no matter what. Jongin didn’t know he had gotten so attached to the older and shorter man known as Do Kyungsoo. Jongin admitted that he had made Kyungsoo upset and worry about him unnecessarily. Jongin wondered if this was how Kyungsoo felt during those times and frankly he thought it felt like shit.

Wearing just a towel around his waist from after the shower, Jongin walked over to his desk and picked up Kyungsoo’s phone. The LED notification light was flashing. Kyungsoo didn’t use a passcode for his phone and Jongin could see a few messages from Chanyeol and Yixing who had sent messages to wish Kyungsoo a happy birthday. Jongin was a bit jealous that they were close enough to remember Kyungsoo’s birthday and to send it just after midnight.

Jongin was almost going to message Chanyeol and Yixing to inform them Kyungsoo was in the hospital, when he realized that he wasn’t even supposed to be around Kyungsoo in the first place. Kyungsoo’s housemates did not like him and had cut him off since the incident. Kyungsoo and Jongin both had been keeping their relationship a secret. Only they were the ones who knew. Jongin felt dumbfounded but rationalized that it was for the greater good. More problems would arise if they had came out as gay. Kyungsoo and Jongin weren’t quite ready for it yet.

Jongin realized that he was spending too much time staring in blank space while going through his thoughts. Before Jongin could put Kyungsoo’s phone away, he looked one more time at the wallpaper on Kyungsoo’s phone. It was a selfie of the both of them. Kyungsoo looked very happy and Jongin was pulling a funny face in the picture. Jongin grinned as he looked at it but was soon hit by a wave of unsolicited tears. Jongin began crying uncontrollably at the thought of losing Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was smiling in the picture, and Jongin realized right there and then that if he never saw that smile again, his life would lose all its purpose.

Jongin thought that he if ever god forbid lost Kyungsoo, he would just rather die than continue living. Jongin wasn’t sure if he could live from the devastation.

Jongin felt horrible about himself and worried for Kyungsoo. Jongin walked over to Kyungsoo’s bag pack and fished through it until he found the favorite black sweater Kyungsoo liked to wear. Jongin was already tired but breaking down emotionally only pushed his fatigue further. There was no way he could drive back to the hospital in the condition he was in. Eyes still hurt and cheeks stained from crying, Jongin laid himself down on his bed which still smelled like Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo had been sleeping on his bed the past few days. Jongin had been sleeping in the sleeping bag meant for Kyungsoo instead.

Clutching Kyungsoo’s sweater, Jongin buried his face in it. It too still smelled like Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry, Kyungsoo.” Jongin cried.

Jongin cried himself to sleep with Kyungsoo’s sweater under his arms. He couldn’t be with Kyungsoo at the moment but this was as close as he could get.

 

 

Jongin slept about 5 hours and jolted out of bed the moment he woke up. There wasn’t a missed call or text. Kyungsoo’s mother had agreed to inform Jongin if Kyungsoo woke up while he wasn’t around. Jongin thought that he could still make it in time to be by Kyungsoo’s side when he woke up. Today was Kyungsoo’s birthday after all. Overwhelmed by the situation, Jongin completely forgot about his own birthday coming in just two days.

Jongin stopped by a florist on his way to the hospital to buy a bouquet of flowers. Jongin had planned to buy a cake but Kyungsoo wouldn’t be able to eat it even when he woke up. The doctor had warned them beforehand regarding that fact. Jongin was planning to ask Kyungsoo what he wanted for his birthday, but the opportunity didn’t arise considering the unexpected turn things had taken out. Jongin bought takeouts for Kyungsoo’s mother and brother to eat since they had spent the entire night with him. Jongin wanted to give them a nice impression if he was planning to one day come out as a couple to Kyungsoo’s parents.

Jongin took over watching for Kyungsoo to give his mother and brother a rest. Kyungsoo’s father arrived that morning and bowed to Jongin, expressing his gratitude and thanks for getting Kyungsoo the hospital. Kyungsoo’s family who had just been hit by a loss was certainly grateful beyond words for Jongin to be around Kyungsoo when it had happened.

Jongin was left alone in Kyungsoo’s hospital room. Kyungsoo’s family had gotten a room in a nearby inn and was resting after staying up all night. Jongin had offered himself to help while they rested. Save for the nurse who came to check in every hour, Jongin was alone in the cold room with the unconscious Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo looked peaceful as he slept.

It was snowing heavily and Jongin could see that from the window. The whole landscape was blanketed in white from the snow. Jongin wasn’t planning on leaving but even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to do it now.

 

“Happy birthday, Kyungsoo”, Jongin wished as he sat on the chair beside the bed. Jongin held Kyungsoo’s left hand between both of his and brought it up to his face. Jongin kissed the palm of Kyungsoo’s hand gently and held it against his cheek a little while longer.

“I heard that”, a hoarse voice spoke up. It was Kyungsoo’s voice indeed. Kyungsoo’s voice sounded a bit different from being sick.

Not letting go of Kyungsoo’s hand, Jongin turned to look at Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo had woken up. He still looked very much tired and his skin was pale. Kyungsoo managed a weak smile and Jongin began laughing and crying at the same time. Jongin wasn’t sure if he was happy or sad. It was the first time he had felt that way. Jongin barely felt anything until Kyungsoo walked into his life; or rather it was Jongin who had walked into Kyungsoo’s life.

Jongin leant in to kiss Kyungsoo on the forehead. Kyungsoo could feel Jongin’s tear rolling down onto his face. Kyungsoo knew he was sick and waking up in a hospital meant that it was something serious. He wasn’t quite sure what he was there for.

 

“Why am I here?” Kyungsoo turned his head to look at Jongin who had sat back down on the chair. Jongin did not let Kyungsoo’s hand go.

“Your appendix burst and you had a septic shock.”, Jongin explained. “I brought you here after work when I found you passed out yesterday evening.”

“It’s good to be alive again”, Kyungsoo joked. His voice was soft and low. He didn’t have the energy in him to speak louder. If it wasn’t quiet, Jongin would have missed what Kyungsoo was trying to say.

 “Thank you, Jongin.” Kyungsoo was very grateful to have Jongin.

Jongin smiled, “Anything for you, birthday boy.”

It was very good indeed.

 

 

 

Jongin was a confident man but he never had been in love before he met Kyungsoo. Jongin didn’t understand how Kyungsoo even fell in love him at first. Jongin doubted Kyungsoo’s feelings and didn’t know what he even saw in Jongin. Jongin admitted that he was rather mean and dismissive towards Kyungsoo initially. Jongin felt very awful for that and honestly did not expect Kyungsoo to even continue loving him.

Kyungsoo was messed up in the head somewhere, Jongin thought. That would make Jongin the same too however.

 

 

Chanyeol, Yixing and Baekhyun eventually heard of Kyungsoo’s hospitalization. Yixing was away in China and had sent his regards and best wishes. Chanyeol and Baekhyun who didn’t live far away had come around to visit Kyungsoo while hospitalized. Jongin knew of this and made sure he wasn’t around when they visited. Baekhyun may have not been around during the incident which caused Jongin to be kicked out of the house, but Jongin’s problem was mostly Chanyeol. Chanyeol was the most vocal and persistent regarding the incident, and had been the one who suggested Jongin left. Yixing was the oldest and had stayed in the shared house longer than anyone, but it was Chanyeol who assumed the role as the unofficial house leader. Chanyeol got along well with Kyungsoo and Jongin didn’t like that fact very much.

 Kyungsoo stayed in the hospital for four more days. Jongin spent all the time he had off from work at the hospital. Jongin wished he could sleep there but the visiting rules did not allow him to do so. Jongin’s birthday fell during those four days. Unbeknownst to him, Kyungsoo had told his parents and brother about Jongin’s birthday.

Jongin came in to visit Kyungsoo that day and was surprised with balloons, a cake and more food. The nurses wouldn’t allow them to hold a birthday party in Kyungsoo’s ward so they had to be discreet about it. Kyungsoo’s brother had to blow up the balloons himself once they had managed to sneak the rest of the items in.

Kyungsoo’s family had gone out of their way to celebrate Jongin’s birthday, after Kyungsoo had informed them about it. Kyungsoo’s family was more than pleased to help celebrate Jongin’s birthday. Only Kyungsoo wasn’t able to eat the cake and food, but he had a good time nonetheless.

Kyungsoo smiled and laughed a lot during the impromptu party, despite looking a bit famished from the no solids diet the doctors had put him on. Kyungsoo and his family had pooled in to get Jongin a gift card with a generous amount on it. They weren’t sure what Jongin had wanted and thought it would be the best option. Jongin could just buy what he wanted with the card.   
The color in Kyungsoo’s cheeks were returning and getting to see Kyungsoo’s smile again was the birthday gift Jongin wanted and gotten.

 

 

Jongin could never smile genuinely before this. His smile was a fake and for show. People seemed to love his smile however, not knowing that it was a fraud. It seemed to attract people to him but they were only falling for lies. Jongin believed no one actually knew him and that the people around him were as fake as his smile was.

It was different with Kyungsoo however. Kyungsoo brought all that Jongin lacked into his life. To Jongin, Kyungsoo was irreplaceable.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited this while half asleep. Excuse me for the errors. You'll see Jongin isn't very consistent and stable either.


	7. He wouldn't

Kyungsoo was discharged after spending a total of five days in the hospital, and was to go home with his family until he fully recovered. Jongin was reluctant to let Kyungsoo go especially not after coming so close to losing him. Jongin knew it was for the best and didn’t protest the decision. Kyungsoo would have people to watch over him in his hometown. Jongin so badly wanted to be with Kyungsoo but had to let him go so he could get better.

Kyungsoo was always the one who did the reassuring and comforting between them both. Kyungsoo understood people easier than Jongin did. Just like routine, Kyungsoo reassured Jongin that everything would be fine even if they were apart. Kyungsoo wondered when Jongin started becoming so fragile. Jongin was usually the colder and less emotional one. Kyungsoo knew that this was just one side of the spectrum and temporary. Jongin could change his mind and mood within seconds as he pleased. Kyungsoo wasn’t well versed in psychology; he was an architecture student after all but Kyungsoo suspected that Jongin might be bipolar. That was just the tip of the iceberg however.

Kyungsoo accepted Jongin as it is, but he was very scared Jongin would one day wake up and decided he didn’t want to be together anymore. Kyungsoo thought that if that might have happened, Kyungsoo would just end his own life right there and then. The pain from the loss would be unbearable for him.

 

January left as soon as it came, and February entered. February marked the last month of the winter break before classes resumed in March. Kyungsoo would be entering his third year with reduced tuition fees for the semester after making it onto the dean’s list. Jongin on the other hand would be going into his second year after almost failing his classes. Jongin came close to having to repeat his semester.

Kyungsoo only returned to Seoul after the first week of February was over, having spent almost a month recuperating in his hometown. Jongin would take the train up to Kyungsoo’s town every time he had an off day. Jongin slept over once or twice during those times, and those nights were the best sleep he had since Kyungsoo’s hospitalization. When he wasn’t with Kyungsoo, almost all of Jongin’s time was spent on the phone with Kyungsoo. Jongin didn’t have to worry when Kyungsoo was around.

 

Kyungsoo was alone when he arrived at the shared house. His housemates were only set to return sometime next week while classes wouldn’t start yet for a fortnight. Not wanting to spend the week alone, Kyungsoo packed enough clothes and stuff he needed to stay over at Jongin’s place.

Kyungsoo still had the spare set of keys to Jongin’s apartment so he could come and go as he pleased, even if Jongin wasn’t around to let him in. Kyungsoo arrived in front of Jongin’s apartment to find a thin girl with long tangled black hair crouching at the door. She was wearing a loose blue dress and had a black jacket over the dress. It was her indeed. Kyungsoo recognized her. She was the girl Jongin had been bringing home during the fall. The same girl who had overdosed and had caused Jongin to be kicked out of the house they lived in.

The girl saw Kyungsoo come and immediately stood up.

“You’re Do Kyungsoo.” She exclaimed. “You used to live with Jongin. I remember you.”

“Yes?” Kyungsoo was a bit ashamed she actually knew his name. Kyungsoo never bothered to learn hers.

“I never introduced myself but you can call me Yehwa,” she quickly blurted out.

Yehwa clutched her handbag closer to her person. She looked sick and had dark circles under her eyes. She was fidgeting and restless even while standing in place.

“I know Jongin lives here but I can’t contact him. Can you help me please?” Yehwa pleaded and grabbed Kyungsoo’s arm. Kyungsoo felt bad for her.

“Uh…”, Kyungsoo stammered a bit unsure what to do. The grip on his arm was tightening. “What can I help you with?”

“I’m pregnant and I don’t have any money for food. I was expelled after the board found out about me overdosing last year. I can’t go back to my family. They’ll kick me out if they find out I’m pregnant. You have to help me please.” Yehwa’s voice shook and it sounded like she would just burst into tears any moment.

Yehwa’s worried face grew even distressed. She looked as if she aged several years in that short moment. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but divert his gaze to Yehwa’s abdomen when she made the statement. Sure indeed, Kyungsoo could see a slight bump on her stomach. Yehwa’s dress was loose and Kyungsoo had missed it easily. Yehwa wasn’t too far along into her pregnancy it seemed.

Kyungsoo wasn’t sure what to do in that situation. It was stressful and Kyungsoo felt like ignoring and leaving her there. Kyungsoo wasn’t inhumane but he never been in that situation and he didn’t know what to do. The pressure and Yehwa’s situation was overwhelming.

Kyungsoo didn’t want to make the situation worse. He was scared she’d pull off another stunt like overdosing on drugs in front of Jongin’s doorstep. Except this time, Chanyeol wasn’t around to deal with the situation. Kyungsoo would break from that kind of stress. He didn’t handle it well unlike Chanyeol. Jongin wasn’t favorable in that department either.

 

Kyungsoo sighed and pulled his arm away from her grasp. Yehwa was staring at Kyungsoo straight in the eye and he was doing his best to not meet her gaze. Kyungsoo reached into his back pocket for his wallet and looked through it. Kyungsoo didn’t have much on him but it was enough for train fare and a few meals for one person. Kyungsoo gave her all the cash he had on hand.

“This is all I have. I’m sorry I can’t give you anything more.” Kyungsoo affirmed as he passed her the notes.

Yehwa quickly snatched it away from his hand.

“Thank you”, she blurted out and started counting the money.

“Please don’t come here again.” Kyungsoo had both his hands in the either pocket of his jacket.

Yehwa looked up from the money in her hands to look at Kyungsoo.

 “Don’t look for Jongin anymore.” Kyungsoo added.

Yehwa raised an eyebrow at Kyungsoo. “You shouldn’t be seeing him either you know. I know you like him. Jongin told me about it. He was giving me money to hang around with him to bother you. ”

Kyungsoo and Yehwa were now engaged in a glaring contest, both of them glaring at each other with contempt. Kyungsoo knew it already. He had figured it out. Kyungsoo didn’t forgive Jongin for messing around with his emotions like that. It was not like Jongin was seeking for his forgiveness anyway. It did bother Kyungsoo but he was afraid of how Jongin would react if he brought it up. Kyungsoo would rather live ignoring all the uncomfortable feelings than risk losing Jongin. Jongin was still too high up the pedestal Kyungsoo put him on

Kyungsoo stood straight up and cleared his throat. “I know what I’m doing.”

“I hope so. Yehwa stuffed the bills into her purse and turned to walk away.

“You just worry about you. You’re pregnant, damn it.” Kyungsoo almost yelled back to Yehwa.

She didn’t turn to look.

 

Kyungsoo could ignore her and pretend he never saw her, but he knew Yehwa wasn’t lying. Kyungsoo would not be able to ignore how he felt. It was unsettling and in his head he was trying to justify Jongin. It wasn’t Jongin’s fault; it was Kyungsoo’s own fault he believed. In the back of his mind, Kyungsoo sort of wished Jongin was more like Chanyeol or even Yixing. Kyungsoo dismissed the thought as his mind just being intrusive. It would be nice though to be in a relationship with a person who took responsibility over their actions.

 

Kyungsoo unlocked the door to Jongin’s apartment and was about to turn the handle when it was opened from the inside by none other than Jongin. Kyungsoo saw this and pursed his lips in annoyance. So Jongin was home the entire time.

Jongin poked his head out the doorway and looked left and right before turning to look at Kyungsoo.

“Is she gone?” Jongin asked quietly.

Kyungsoo sighed, “You were here all this time?”

Jongin nodded, “She called me saying she was coming and I heard her knock. I was pretending I wasn’t around.”

“Where did you put your car then? I didn’t see it so I thought you weren’t home too.” Kyungsoo pushed his way through Jongin.

“Oh, I parked behind the building this time.” Jongin explained. “So...did she say anything?”

“She was just asking for money.” Kyungsoo responded.

“I knew it. She’s probably going to buy drugs with that money.” Jongin sneered in a dismissive tone.

Kyungsoo bit his lower lip unconsciously in thought. “Maybe not”, he murmured lowly. “How does she know where you live?”

“A friend of hers came to the café I worked at and I think she followed me home. She must have told Yehwa.” Jongin explained.

Kyungsoo shrugged, “That’s probably it.”

Jongin firmly asserted, “I don’t talk to her anymore.”

“I know. I didn’t ask.” Kyungsoo almost sounded angry.

 

Kyungsoo had a stressful time dealing with Yehwa but he wasn’t going to say anything about it right now. Kyungsoo was literally penniless now too because of Yehwa, and had resorted to eating only instant ramen for the next few days. There were other things he should worry about.

Kyungsoo put his bag down and his attention was diverted to the new installation in Jongin’s apartment. Kyungsoo had not been there in over a month and he had literally been on the verge of death the last time he was there. Jongin slept on a small single bed and Kyungsoo had been sleeping on a sleeping bag placed on the floor beside the bed. Both the bed and sleeping bag was gone. In its place was a wooden queen sized bed with auburn sheets.

Jongin saw Kyungsoo looking at it and asked, “You like it? I got it for the both of us.”

Kyungsoo replied, “You didn’t have to. It must have been expensive.”

Jongin hugged Kyungsoo from the back circling his arms around Kyungsoo’s waist, and snuggling his chin at Kyungsoo’s nape. “I didn’t get you anything for your birthday so consider it as your gift. I can’t let my boyfriend sleep on the floor.”

Kyungsoo rested his hands on Jongin’s arm around his waist. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome”, Jongin whispered against the skin on Kyungsoo’s neck.

Jongin kissed Kyungsoo on the cheek and hugged him tighter. Kyungsoo smiled and forgot how annoyed he felt. Kyungsoo forgave everything Jongin did, but Kyungsoo couldn’t forgive himself. Kyungsoo loved Jongin but didn’t love himself as much.

 

Kyungsoo was dead broke for the next week after giving all the money he had to get rid of Yehwa. It felt like a bribe more than a donation. Kyungsoo only hoped she didn’t use the money for drugs now that she was knocked up by goodness know who.

Jongin had food in his fridge that could be made into a meal. Kyungsoo offered to make dinner so he didn’t have to spend money in exchange for doing the task. Kyungsoo wore a grey apron Jongin had lying around. Kyungsoo was busy peeling and chopping up the vegetables, garlic and chicken while Jongin sat on the floor by the electrical port to use his phone as it charged.

“Jongin, can you set the table?” Kyungsoo turned around to ask Jongin before hastily tending back to cooking.

Jongin did not look up from his phone as he kept scrolling and laughed at some posts on his social media feed.

Kyungsoo, slightly annoyed, inhaled deeply before repeating himself. “Jongin. Please set the table. I’m busy.”

Kyungsoo really was busy. He had to watch the fire all while still chopping up and preparing everything else.

 “What?” Jongin ignorantly asked without looking from his phone. “I’m busy here too.”

Kyungsoo turned only his head to glance at Jongin over his shoulders. Kyungsoo was gritting his teeth and furious. Kyungsoo usually had a considerable amount of patience but he really lost it this time. Kyungsoo had too many unresolved and unsettled emotions with Jongin that he couldn’t bring up, out of fear of Jongin walking out on him again.

Kyungsoo swept those emotions under the carpet and it added up and overflowed. For the first time in the 21 years that Kyungsoo had lived, he was about to experience the feeling of blowing out from rage.

“Very busy hmm?” Kyungsoo sarcastically mocked, his head turned behind to glance at Jongin from over his shoulders.

Jongin was completely ignorant and oblivious of the situation. Kyungsoo turned the stove off even though the food wasn’t fully cooked yet. With the kitchen knife in his right hand, Kyungsoo launched it into the air and across the room straight towards where Jongin was sitting.

The knife narrowly missed Jongin’s head by a few inches and hit the wall behind him. The knife fell flat onto Jongin’s lap without injuring him. Jongin finally looked up from his phone to find a furious Kyungsoo standing a few feet in front of him. Kyungsoo was still wearing the apron and if it weren’t for the tense atmosphere, Jongin would think that it did rather look comical.

 

Jongin was confused and admittedly a bit nervous. “What’s up, Kyungsoo?” Kyungsoo gulped.

Kyungsoo squatted on the floor to bring himself to Jongin’s eye level. Kyungsoo pried Jongin’s phone out of his hands before carefully setting it down on the floor beside him. Without saying a word, Kyungsoo picked the knife up from Jongin’s lap. Jongin sat still and quiet with his arms at his side watching Kyungsoo. He wasn’t quite sure what was going to happen, but Jongin trusted Kyungsoo.

It all happened very quickly. Once Kyungsoo had gotten hold of the knife again, Jongin blinked and the next thing he saw was Kyungsoo pointing the very sharp knife at his throat.

Jongin was taken aback and tried putting distance between himself and the knife. That wasn’t possible because Jongin was sitting with his back to a wall and Kyungsoo crowded him on the front.

“It’s not my fault you’re angry.” Jongin tried to explain with nervousness in his voice.

“It never is, isn’t it?” Kyungsoo was being sarcastic. To be frank, Kyungsoo could go on but he didn’t think of it at the time.

Kyungsoo only pushed the tip of the knife closer to Jongin’s throat until the cold metal pressed into his skin but not hard enough to draw blood just yet. Jongin began to get scared. Kyungsoo could so very much hurt him if he wanted to.

_No, he wouldn’t do that_

Jongin thought he said that to himself but he had actually mentioned it out loud instead. Kyungsoo very much and well enough heard him.

“Oh? I won’t do it? We’ll see about that Jongin.” Kyungsoo spoke through his gritted teeth before pulling the knife away from Jongin’s throat only to raise it higher and slide the blunt edge against Jongin’s face.

Kyungsoo wasn’t really thinking at the moment. He couldn’t hear himself think much either. Jongin was shit out scared.

“I think you need some time alone, Kyungsoo. You’re taking out your anger on me.” Jongin tried to talk his way out of the situation.

“Apologize to me then”, Kyungsoo demanded. Kyungsoo was way too calm and that only made Jongin even scared.

This time Kyungsoo pressed the tip of the knife against the edge of Jongin’s lip, going into his mouth slightly. Jongin could almost taste the metal. Jongin didn’t believe that he did anything wrong and didn’t want to try rationalizing with Kyungsoo anymore. Jongin did what he believed to be the right thing at the moment. 

Jongin quickly snapped his leg forward and kicked Kyungsoo in the abdomen exactly where the incision had been made to remove his appendix. Jongin knew where it was located; he had seen Kyungsoo shirtless since then to know of it.

Kyungsoo was startled and cut Jongin’s upper lip with the knife unknowingly before falling on his back. The knife fell onto the floor and Jongin kicked it away to the other wall.

Both Kyungsoo and Jongin took a few moments to wince from their individual injuries and assess the situation. Jongin wiped off the blood from his lip with the sleeve of his shirt. It wasn’t a deep cut. Kyungsoo was still lying on the ground groaning from the pain and clutching his stomach.

Jongin stood up towering over Kyungsoo on the floor. The knife was far from their reach but Jongin was ready to race for it if Kyungsoo decided he was going to attack him again.

Kyungsoo tried his best to pick himself and got up, the pain in his stomach setting him back. Kyungsoo tried to stand up in front of Jongin but failed when the abrupt movements made him throw up everywhere. Kyungsoo vomited all over his and Jongin’s feet. Jongin was unfazed by the situation. He had seen enough for the day. Throwing up was a common side effect in the early stages of having an appendix removed, especially from getting kicked in the stomach.

Kyungsoo fell to the floor in a pool of his own vomit and began crying. Jongin felt bad for Kyungsoo but also felt like leaving the scene. Jongin felt threatened and needed a break from Kyungsoo.

 

 

“This wouldn’t happen if you didn’t pull off something stupid like that”, Jongin really felt sorry for Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo tried to speak but only ended up crying harder. He was covered from waist down in his own regurgitation. The smell permeated the air but that was the least concern around.

“Get up, Kyungsoo”, Jongin softly spoke as he tried to help Kyungsoo stand up.

Kyungsoo did not refuse the help and let Jongin lead him to the shower. Jongin turned the shower on and helped Kyungsoo undress before doing it for himself. The soiled clothes were thrown onto the shower floor in a corner. Jongin would deal with it later. Kyungsoo was still crying underneath the flow of water which cleaned their stained bodies.

Jongin faced Kyungsoo and cupped his face between his hands. Jongin was weak for Kyungsoo’s tears but didn’t understand why he would be so upset. Jongin didn’t believe it was his fault. Jongin simply believed Kyungsoo was just emotional and unstable. Jongin did not realize he was about the same.  
On the other hand, Kyungsoo believed it was Jongin’s fault for driving him to that point. Kyungsoo’s head was so confused he could barely hear himself think at that moment.

Planting a kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead, Jongin brought him in into a hug pressing their wet naked bodies against each other. Kyungsoo rested his head against Jongin’s shoulders and couldn’t help but wish to never deal with this ever again. None of them were going to admit their faults and apologize for it. Kyungsoo and Jongin were in a figurative game of thug war with equal amounts of rope on each side.

Kyungsoo lifted his head from Jongin’s shoulder to look up to Jongin, who was looking ahead at blank space and still had him in a hug under the running shower.

“Why do you have to do this?” Kyungsoo inquired, but he meant it more as a statement instead as a question.

Jongin sighed and released his arms from around Kyungsoo. Jongin leant his head back and covered his eyes with a hand before releasing a deep sigh. Jongin removed the hand covering his eyes and turned to leave.

“I’m done here. I have to go to work” Jongin growled under his breath and left a naked Kyungsoo in the shower.

Kyungsoo stopped crying when Jongin abruptly left. Feelings of shock replaced whatever else he was feeling earlier. Kyungsoo couldn’t decide if it was cold or warm under the shower. Kyungsoo always felt both with Jongin anyway. Kyungsoo ruined the moment he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> satansoo is here guys


	8. Don't hold it in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse me cause this chapter is just shameless porn.

Kyungsoo spent what felt like an eternity in the shower. Kyungsoo’s skin began to shrivel and his fingers turned numb for being under the water too long. Kyungsoo’s eyes were also beginning to sting from the excessive moisture. Jongin was going to have to pay extra for water utility bills that month.

Kyungsoo exited the shower only to find the apartment empty. Jongin was nowhere to be seen. The vomit on the floor had been cleaned up. The knife was placed back in its place and the now fully cooked food was still warm in the pot. Jongin had done all the cleaning and finished cooking the food Kyungsoo had left. Jongin had left for work and was nowhere to be seen.

Kyungsoo dried himself off and got dressed into his usual sleeping attire. Kyungsoo no longer had an appetite and decided to put the pot into the fridge to stop the food from going bad too quick. Kyungsoo checked his phone and he wasn’t surprised to find no texts or calls from Jongin. Kyungsoo was too tired to care. Usually, Kyungsoo would begin panicking and worry about not being able to contact Jongin. Kyungsoo only thought of sleep at that moment. At least Kyungsoo knew he’d always fall asleep and he was certain about it. Kyungsoo wasn’t certain about Jongin though.

Kyungsoo went to sleep for the first time that night in the new bed. Kyungsoo slept alone in a bed meant for two. He was hardly disappointed. Kyungsoo’s tears had dried up since and slept wash over him quickly, even before his mind could start to wander and the intrusive thoughts came.

 

Jongin got home from work after midnight. He had been on the last shift and was put in charge to close up the shop. Jongin came home to a dimly lit apartment. Kyungsoo only slept with the night light on. It was just bright enough for Jongin to see around without running into furniture. Jongin made sure that the knife was where he left it to be. Jongin looked into the mirror to inspect the cut on his upper lip. It still hurt when he touched it but it wasn’t that visible. Jongin changed his clothes and put his things away before creeping into bed as quietly and gently as possible. He didn’t want to wake Kyungsoo up just yet.

Jongin lied down under the blankets, close enough to feel Kyungsoo’s warmth but not close enough to touch each other. Kyungsoo slept facing the wall and his back turned to Jongin. Jongin slept facing Kyungsoo’s back with a few inches between the two. Jongin stared at Kyungsoo’s back and wanted to touch it but decided not to. Jongin too fell asleep shortly later.

 

Kyungsoo woke up early next morning with Jongin spooning him. Jongin always had that habit of cuddling Kyungsoo unconsciously in his sleep especially on cold nights. Kyungsoo wouldn’t have mind but he needed to get up to use the toilet and Jongin had uncomfortably wedged a leg between Kyungsoo’s thighs.

Kyungsoo had planned to leave that morning and return to his hometown for the Lunar New Year coming at the end of the week. Kyungsoo’s family was not going to celebrate that year as respect for his recently deceased grandmother, but Kyungsoo thought it was better than being alone.Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he wanted to be around Jongin for the time being. Jongin was now literally between him and his plans. Kyungsoo felt as if Jongin was doing it on purpose to keep him around.

Kyungsoo tried his best to release himself from Jongin’s death grip without waking him up. Kyungsoo gave up and decide to wake Jongin up instead. Kyungsoo wiggled his back against Jongin’s chest.

“Jongin, wake up.” Kyungsoo almost pleaded.

Kyungsoo pushed back his shoulder against Jongin behind him. It still didn’t work. Kyungsoo didn’t want to pee in bed. He had passed the bed wetting stage a long time ago and he wasn’t too keen on experiencing it again.

“Jongin please…” This time Kyungsoo sounded desperate as he mentally made up a plan to start going to the gym and building up strength to stop a similar event from happening again.

Jongin often trained at the on-campus gym during the school year and had build up a pretty nice body, by Kyungsoo’s standards, from it. Kyungsoo would have a little bit of catching up to do.

 

Kyungsoo lay silent with Jongin still wrapped around him. Kyungsoo sighed and thought of his next plan. Jongin stirred awake shortly after.

“Good morning”, Jongin yawned sleepily and turned over to lie on his back.

Kyungsoo was finally free and quickly got out of bed to make a dash for the toilet. Kyungsoo’s plans were halted when he felt a strong hand grab his ankle, preventing him from leaving. Kyungsoo fell backwards onto the bed from the sudden jerk. Jongin caught Kyungsoo into his own arms. Kyungsoo was now sitting on Jongin’s lap, with Jongin’s arms wrapped nicely around Kyungsoo’s lap.

“Doesn’t this feel like sitting on Santa’s lap like Christmas time at the mall?” Jongin purred into Kyungsoo’s neck.

Kyungsoo thought that was kind of hot and a bit creepy at the same time. It was as if all that had happened last night never even occurred. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad thing. He wasn’t sure if things were just really good between them to forget, or if they were just sweeping things under the carpet.

“Thank you, Jongin, but I have to pee now.” Kyungsoo lifted and pushed himself off Jongin before making his way to the toilet.

“Wait, I’m coming with you.” Jongin got up and followed behind Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo lifted the toilet seat up and took a few steps backwards to maintain a proper distance to avoid aiming problems. Kyungsoo was about to pull his boxers down when he felt Jongin’s hands around his hips.

“I’ll do that for you.” Jongin announced as he knelt to pull down Kyungsoo’s boxers from behind, letting it drop onto the floor around Kyungsoo’s ankles.

Jongin got up and gently from behind, took hold of Kyungsoo’s member in his own hands.

“Jongin, I have to pee. I didn’t come here for that.” Kyungsoo protested and tried to take his own manhood away from Jongin’s hold.

“I’m telling you to pee. If you get hard, that’s not my fault.” Jongin claimed, his hands still holding Kyungsoo’s limp manhood.

Jongin was a man himself. He knew the whole drill and properly positioned Kyungsoo’s length so he would be aiming into the toilet bowl when he peed.

“Go ahead. Don’t hold it in.” Jongin coaxed Kyungsoo.

Jongin’s face was close to Kyungsoo’s neck that he began to feel flustered and heated. Kyungsoo did as he was told and sighed in relief once he unclenched his muscles and released the stream of urine, with his length in Jongin’s hold.

Jongin held onto Kyungsoo’s member firmly but not hard enough to be uncomfortable. Jongin made sure to adjust the aim when Kyungsoo was close to finishing and the stream grew smaller. Jongin was too good at this. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he was turned on or embarrassed. He had so many firsts with Jongin.

“It’s like I’m holding my own penis”, Jongin chuckled and gently shook off Kyungsoo’s length from any trickling urine.

Kyungsoo stood there embarrassed without knowing what else to do or say. Jongin only released his hands to help pull Kyungsoo’s boxers up. Kyungsoo made sure to do the job of tucking his member into the boxers himself. Jongin was almost ready to do the job for him.

 

Jongin yawned, “I’m going back to bed.”

Jongin headed back for the bed. Kyungsoo, still in the toilet glanced at Jongin over his shoulders and wondered if Jongin was going to wash his hands. Kyungsoo followed Jongin into bed, his thought of leaving that morning had been long pushed aside.

Jongin and Kyungsoo lay down on their sides facing at each other. Kyungsoo pulled the blanket up to cover the both of them. Jongin’s eyes were closed and it looked like he was asleep.

“I know you’re awake”, Kyungsoo pointed out.

Jongin grunted with his eyes still shut, “…never said I was asleep either”.

Kyungsoo held out a hand to caress Jongin’s cheek. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he wanted to slap or kiss Jongin. He sure felt like doing both.

Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo’s hand that was touching his face and opened his eyes to face Kyungsoo. “We haven’t had sex since the beginning of the year. I feel like I missed your touch so much.”

Jongin kissed Kyungsoo’s knuckles and also his palm.

“I was sick.” Kyungsoo explained.

“That was unfortunate.” Jongin acknowledged.

Jongin tore off the blanket covering them and propped himself up with one elbow until he was sitting up on the bed. Kyungsoo turned to lie down on his back, his eyes meeting Jongin’s from below.

“We should fuck now.” Jongin suggested and looked to Kyungsoo for the approval.

Kyungsoo’s eyes widen. He was too shy to admit it but his voice managed to squeak out the statement.

“I haven’t pooped in almost three days. I think it’s pretty full down there. You know…”

Jongin pondered in thought before speaking, “I don’t mind if you do. I’ll use a condom after all. We’ll get you an enema later if you want.” Jongin wasn’t too serious about the enema.

Jongin was desperate but he wouldn’t do it if Kyungsoo didn’t want to.

Kyungsoo agreed and hoped so hard the long awaited stool didn’t choose to pop out at that moment. Kyungsoo was rather conscious about it.

 

Jongin properly laid down an unused towel below Kyungsoo and had gotten rid of the blanket and comforter. Only a pillow was left that Kyungsoo used to rest his head on. Jongin didn’t want to be unprepared when performing something that risky. They were now both stark naked and everything needed was on the bedside table within Jongin’s reach, from condoms to lube and even a towel to wipe off with.

As if on cue, Kyungsoo spread his legs the moment Jongin came in between them. Jongin had a latex glove over his right hand and was rather generous with the lube to slowly finger Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo removed the pillow from under his head and hugged it instead as he moaned from the pleasure and slight awkwardness.

“We can play doctor if you’d like”, Jongin half joked with two fingers inside of Kyungsoo. “I’m the doctor here to give you a prostate exam.”

“…what?” Kyungsoo was confused.

“I’m joking”, Jongin chuckled and planted a kiss on Kyungsoo’s forehead, the pillow still between them.

Jongin pried the pillow away from Kyungsoo’s arms, leaving his chest bare. Jongin leant in to grab Kyungsoo’s nipples with his free hand and began sucking on it lightly. Jongin’s other hand was still fingering Kyungsoo’s entrance. Jongin curled the fingers within Kyungsoo and rubbed against the spot that gave the most reaction from Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo almost screamed from the gratifying waves of pleasure. His hands shot up to grab Jongin’s shoulders. Kyungsoo’s nails dug into the skin on Jongin’s shoulder. Kyungsoo felt as if he was falling off and needed to grab onto Jongin. Jongin didn’t mind the pain the least bit.

“You’re so warm”, Jongin cooed at Kyungsoo’s ear, before gently nipping on Kyungsoo’s earlobe.

 

Jongin removed his fingers from Kyungsoo and found that there weren’t any stains on the glove. Jongin had came in expecting the worst. Jongin removed the gloves with a snap sound from the latex and tossed it into the bin he had placed beside the bed beforehand.

“Seems ok. Nothing to worry about”, Jongin reassured Kyungsoo before ordering him to get up.

Kyungsoo sat up as he was told and moved to the lower edge of the bed. Jongin laid down on where Kyungsoo had been lying down earlier. Just as he was instructed, Kyungsoo climbed on top of Jongin. Kyungsoo straddled Jongin’s face with his butt. Kyungsoo had read numerous jokes online about the “69” position and had a clue of what it was. He never thought he could be able to do it with Jongin that fast into their relationship.

Jongin craned his neck up and enveloped his mouth against Kyungsoo’s gaping butthole, sucking on it gently at first before increasing the pressure. Alternating between his finger and tongue, Jongin ate Kyungsoo out very well. Kyungsoo was now hard and his erection was tightly pressed against Jongin’s neck below him.

Kyungsoo moaned, lying down on Jongin’s stomach with his bottom propped up and his entrance currently being tongue fucked. Kyungsoo tried moving slightly forward to reach his mouth to Jongin’s unattended manhood but was not able to do so. Whenever Kyungsoo inched forward, Jongin would pull him by the hip back up, ensuring Kyungsoo’s butt was directly on Jongin’s face. Kyungsoo tried his best not to grind against Jongin’s face. Kyungsoo was a bit scared of accidentally suffocating Jongin down there. Kyungsoo’s hips seemed to move against his will and that made things a bit difficult.

Kyungsoo gave up his attempt to give Jongin a blowjob. Kyungsoo’s hand could reach Jongin’s member at least. Kyungsoo spat on his hand as lubrication and gave Jongin’s length several strokes before it started to get hard.

Jongin felt it but didn’t bother to stop while he was still excited to give his Kyungsoo his first ass eating. Kyungsoo knew how to masturbate and wasn’t shy to give Jongin a hand job. Kyungsoo remembered what pleasured him during those solo sessions and employed the same technique onto Jongin.

Kyungsoo started with slow strokes along the entire length before picking his pace up. Kyungsoo wanted to use both his hands but his left arm was used to hold his weight up. Kyungsoo was worried of the thought of putting his entire weight down on Jongin.

Kyungsoo’s strokes were firm enough and only broke its rhythm when he shuddered from the sudden shock of pleasure. It was harder than Kyungsoo expected it to be. Kyungsoo was basically multitasking at that point.

Jongin was beginning to leak pre-cum and Kyungsoo swiped his fingers over the head of Jongin’s erection, to smear the wetness onto his hand to serve as further lubrication. Kyungsoo began to grow dazed from the pleasure in his nether regions, his grip on Jongin’s erection growing loose.

Kyungsoo’s eyes closed as he let out a pleasured sigh. Jongin got up without warning, pushing Kyungsoo forward. Kyungsoo lost his balance and his cheek fell flat onto Jongin’s member. Jongin laughed seeing this and Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. He was struggling to give Jongin a blowjob earlier but could not reach close enough. Kyungsoo’s wish was granted now.

Jongin moved out from underneath Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo too moved and sat down in front of Jongin.

Jongin kissed Kyungsoo’s neck and lightly whispered, “Shall we?”

Kyungsoo nodded his consent.

Gently, Jongin pushed Kyungsoo’s back forward until he was on all fours. Kyungsoo didn’t look back but heard the tearing sound of the condom wrapper. Jongin poured lube over the condom and onto Kyungsoo’s already slick entrance. The anus isn’t as self lubricating and Jongin thought there was no harm in using extra. Kyungsoo complained about gas and trouble defecating for the first few days after their last time. Jongin was trying to avoid it from happening again.

Jongin pressed his manhood between Kyungsoo’s butt cheeks, sliding it up and down over Kyungsoo’s loosened hole. Jongin was teasing at this point.

“Just do it”, Kyungsoo cried out.

“Alright then.” Jongin complied and with ease slide his erection into Kyungsoo.

 Kyungsoo grabbed the pillow and bit into it from the sudden feeling of being filled. Kyungsoo gasped and a throaty moan escaped his lips. Jongin’s thrusts were deep but slow. Jongin didn’t forget that Kyungsoo had not passed his stool in a few days. Jongin inspected his length whenever he pulled back on his thrusts. The condom was clean so far.

Using it as his cue, Jongin grabbed onto Kyungsoo’s hips and sped up his thrusts. Kyungsoo’s voice and cries were no longer in his capacity to control, as every wave of pleasure expressed in moans escaped his lips. Kyungsoo’s saliva from his open mouth was drooling onto the pillow he had placed beneath his elbows as support.

Kyungsoo’s butt cheeks were turning red from the friction of their skin slapping against each other. Jongin thought that it looked adorable and mimicked a red apple. Jongin could not resist himself and spanked Kyungsoo once with the palm of his hand. Kyungsoo howled from the sensation but didn’t protest nor ask for more. Jongin decided it was a onetime thing and gently rubbed the flesh without breaking the rhythm of his thrusts.

Kyungsoo stroked himself while Jongin worked on his behind. Kyungsoo came while moaning Jongin’s name, spilling cum on his hands and the towel Jongin had laid down beneath him. Jongin was always prepared when it came to bedroom activities. Jongin noticed Kyungsoo’s orgasm and was in a rush to finish too himself.

Kyungsoo grinded his hips back against Jongin to meet the thrusts. The aided movement and friction drove Jongin to his own orgasm. Jongin did not moan Kyungsoo’s name but cursed under his breath instead. Jongin’s hip bucked forward from his orgasm and was close to losing his balance. Jongin put a hand on Kyungsoo’s back to catch himself from falling off.

Jongin pulled out of Kyungsoo and was planning to lie down now that he felt the post orgasm fatigue. Jongin’s plans were cancelled when he noticed none other than stool stains on the condom. Jongin expressed an audible gasp at the revelation.

Kyungsoo sat up the moment he felt Jongin slip out but turned around to see what had surprised Jongin so much.

“Jongin what-” Kyungsoo was cut off by Jongin scrambling to wrap the towel around Kyungsoo’s lower half.

“Go to the toilet and hold the towel against your butt. Don’t let it go.” Jongin ordered nervously.

 

Kyungsoo took a few moments to comprehend the situation. Once Kyungsoo did, his eyes shot wide in horror. Kyungsoo ran to the toilet with holding the towel between his legs, making it just in time for the unexpected to happen. Kyungsoo took a rather long dump and Jongin came in to check up on him. Kyungsoo took his time to make sure he got everything out and silently thanked Jongin’s dick for plunging the constipation out of him. Or so he thought.

Jongin had to pee while Kyungsoo still hogged the only toilet bowl available. Kyungsoo wasn’t going to finish anytime soon. Jongin ended up peeing in the gap between Kyungsoo’s spread thighs, while Kyungsoo did his best to sit as furthest back on the toilet seat as possible to give Jongin more space. A few drops of urine still managed to splatter onto Kyungsoo’s thighs. Kyungsoo couldn’t care less anymore.

“hyung…” Jongin addressed Kyungsoo with an honorific for the first time in a while.

“Don’t. Please don’t say anything.” Kyungsoo shook his head as they discovered that day how two people could share a toilet bowl at the same time.

If the sky were to fall in that day, neither Kyungsoo nor Jongin would be surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You betcha


	9. Oh I Know

Following the half embarrassing half awkward sex experience, Kyungsoo and Jongin were beyond tired and spent all day in bed watching movies and eating junk food. For an introvert like Kyungsoo, it was the ideal way for him to spend a lazy day. Jongin didn’t complain and was glad to have Kyungsoo around. Classes would be starting in three weeks and they wouldn’t be able to see each other as much then. They could meet on campus but they had to be discreet as their relationship was a secret and Jongin didn’t want his former housemates to see him around with Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was the youngest person in the house now with Jongin gone and they were rather protective over him.

After the fourth movie, it was dark outside and the pair got hungry. Jongin suggested reheating the food in the fridge for dinner but Kyungsoo felt like having a burger instead. A consensus was made to go to McDonald’s instead. Kyungsoo borrowed Jongin’s old black sweater which had his name printed on the back in large bold letters. Kyungsoo sort of felt proud to wear it. It felt like he belonged to Jongin.

The car ride to the nearest McDonald’s was quiet. Kyungsoo looked out the window watching the shops, streetlights and people in the cold of winter. Jongin occasionally placed a hand on Kyungsoo’s lap while driving. Kyungsoo hardly noticed.

 

After Jongin and Kyungsoo had their orders and were seated at a booth, the mood lifted and they were soon talking and laughing loudly over their food. There were only a few booths that were occupied in the section they sat at. Kyungsoo was usually shy but felt comfortable with Jongin and the lack of people.

Their festivities were cut short by a tall figure poking his head from the booth behind them. Jongin saw the person first and he fell silent, eyes widening in surprise.

“Park Chanyeol?” It sounded like a question but Jongin wasn’t really asking.

Kyungsoo heard this and turned behind to look. It was Chanyeol indeed. Chanyeol had this kind of glare that made him look angry even if he wasn’t. Chanyeol was very much using that glare at the moment. Jongin was ready to grab Kyungsoo and flee the place. Kyungsoo was trying to think of excuses he could come up with. Jongin and Kyungsoo were hardly in tune.

“Kim Jongin?” Chanyeol responded equally surprised.

 

Chanyeol had come for dinner alone and was minding his own business when he thought he heard familiar voices from the booth behind him. Chanyeol had gone to see who the people were and although Jongin and Kyungsoo did not surprise him, the fact that they were together surprised him.

Chanyeol didn’t really have a filter over his mouth and was very blunt with his words. Turning to Jongin, Chanyeol asked “I thought you didn’t like Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo looked at Chanyeol and then Jongin.

“What are you talking about?” Jongin denied, giving out a fake laugh.

Chanyeol picked up his tray and moved over to their booth, sitting on the seat across where Kyungsoo and Jongin sat.

“I didn’t know you were friends.” Chanyeol directed the question to Kyungsoo.

“We are.” Kyungsoo stuttered. “What made you think we aren’t?”

“You think I didn’t notice that the both of you hardly talk to each other and or even wanted to be in the same space together just right before Jongin moved out.” Chanyeol explained as he took a bite from his burger.

“I didn’t move out, you kicked me.” Jongin clarified, sitting up straight with both eyes on Chanyeol.

“…serves you right.” Chanyeol snarled for a moment before returning to his food.

Kyungsoo looked down throughout the whole scene, his hands fidgeting around with the hem of Jongin’s oversized sweater he was currently wearing. Jongin thought long and hard. Jongin’s anger was displayed on his face. Kyungsoo saw this and his mind was sent in a panic rush. Kyungsoo would climb over Jongin to get out and run away at that point. Kyungsoo gulped and slowly chewed his food while fixing his gaze on the table.

Before Jongin could say anything, Chanyeol spoke up, “I hope you’re not planning on doing something stupid with Kyungsoo around.”

Jongin hissed, “I most certainly am not.”

Chanyeol glared with his poisonous death glare at Jongin. Jongin didn’t want to lose and glared back. Kyungsoo was growing uncomfortable and was making mental plans on how to escape. Kyungsoo felt somewhat guilty for reasons he couldn’t understand.

Chanyeol broke eye contact to finish his food in silence. Jongin didn’t want to be there but remained to assert his dominance and show that he wasn’t intimidated the least bit by Chanyeol’s presence. Chanyeol finished and stood up holding his tray with him. Chanyeol certainly did notice the words printed on the sweater Kyungsoo wore. It literally screamed “KIM JONG IN”.

“Kyungsoo, give me a call later.” Chanyeol directed to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo nodded and muttered a low “yes”.

Jongin and Chanyeol exchanged a few more silent glares before Chanyeol walked off to return his tray and leave. Jongin’s eyes did not stop following Chanyeol until he was seen exiting the door. Jongin sighed once Chanyeol was out of sight.

“I didn’t see that coming.” Jongin clicked his tongue tuning to face Kyungsoo sitting beside him.

Kyungsoo’s burger was finished by then and Jongin’s was only half eaten.

“I didn’t know he would be here either”, Kyungsoo pointed out. “Are we in trouble? Do you think he knows we’re…gay?”

Jongin exhaled, “I don’t think he knows that. He thinks we’re just friends but we might be in trouble for other reasons. I won’t let him give us shit about being seen together.”

Kyungsoo felt reassured, protected and momentarily proud of being Jongin’s boyfriend. Jongin did care about him after all Kyungsoo thought.

 

The drive home was even quieter. It was beginning to snow and Jongin was driving slower. Kyungsoo heard his phone notification sound and pulled it out from his pocket to check.

Jongin saw Kyungsoo do this from the corner of his eye and inquired, “Who is it?”

“It’s Chanyeol”, Kyungsoo replied, his eyes not leaving his phone screen to read the message.

“What did he say?” Jongin asked with both his hands on the steering wheel and eyes focused on the road.

“He’s reminding me to give him a call later.” Kyungsoo explained.

Jongin firmly announced, “Don’t call him. Let him be.”

 “…but” Kyungsoo paused, “I’ll still see him and he’ll ask about it for sure.” Kyungsoo was now looking at Jongin.

“Lie to him then.” Jongin scoffed with a hint of displeasure in his voice.

Kyungsoo retorted, “I can’t do that.”

“Why not? It’s not like you let Chanyeol fuck you. You don’t have to tell him the truth.” Jongin took his eyes off from the road for a moment to look at Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo was agitated and staring straight ahead. Jongin saw tense Kyungsoo had become. Kyungsoo was surprised Jongin would even say a thing like that.  It sort of seemed disrespectful to Kyungsoo’s self.

“Of course not! Why would you even say something like that?” Kyungsoo forced himself to ask. Kyungsoo didn’t want to say anything but felt like the situation would never be resolved in that case.

“Then why do you have to make things so hard! I’ll do it myself then.” Jongin yelled and grabbed Kyungsoo’s phone out of his hands.

“What the fuck?” Kyungsoo retorted as he tried to pull his phone back from Jongin’s grasp.

Jongin was only driving with one hand on the wheel and wasn’t entirely looking at the road. Jongin used his elbow to push Kyungsoo away.

“Give me my phone back.” Kyungsoo demanded, not giving up on trying getting it back.

 

The car was swerving dangerously at the point. Jongin dropped the phone onto his lap and regained control of the wheel before they were about to hit a lamp post. Jongin braked suddenly sending the both of them pushed forward by the inertia.

Jongin caught his breath once the car stopped. They were beside a park at a quiet residential area and pretty lucky that there weren’t anyone around outside.

“You are crazy!” Kyungsoo shouted and grabbed his phone off of Jongin’s lap.

“Oh I know. You don’t have to remind me. Maybe look in a mirror before you say something.” Jongin sneered back.

Kyungsoo grabbed his coat from the backseat and quickly put it on before leaving the car without saying anything else.

“Where are you going?” Jongin’s voice was soft when he asked the question. Sure, he was mad at Kyungsoo but he didn’t want to be anywhere without Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo slammed the car door shut and walked to the park across the road. It had been snowing for a while and there was about two inches of snow cover on the ground. Kyungsoo made his way through the snow and used his sleeve to wipe off the snow accumulating on the swing. Kyungsoo plopped himself onto the swing and kicked back slightly to give himself a push. Once it began to swing, Kyungsoo laughed to himself. It brought back childhood memories of playing around at the park with his brother. Kyungsoo recalled how they would spend hours at the park after school until their grandmother would come looking for them. Kyungsoo started to miss his grandmother and being a child again. Kyungsoo didn’t know when life became this complicated.

The swing almost came to a halt and Kyungsoo was ready to use his legs to propel himself again when he felt a push, which sent him swinging with even more momentum. Kyungsoo looked behind and saw that it was Jongin who had done so.

Jongin was laughing to himself, “You look cute. Almost like a child.”

Kyungsoo sulked and turned away to avoid looking at Jongin. Kyungsoo could feel the cool winter air around the exposed skin of his face and hands as he relived his treasured childhood experience. Jongin only stopped helping push Kyungsoo on the swing when his phone started to ring. Jongin moved to the seesaw and sat on the lowered end to pick up the call. Kyungsoo saw this and wondered who had been calling him this time of the night. Jongin didn’t have much of an expression while talking on the phone. His face was placid but yet still emotionless.

 

Once Kyungsoo saw Jongin put his phone away, Kyungsoo walked over to the seesaw and sat on the other end lifted by Jongin’s weight. Kyungsoo’s weight moved the seesaw and Jongin played along. Jongin chuckled to himself and Kyungsoo maintained a poker face. They were both glad it was snowing and at night so there was hardly anyone outside. Otherwise, people would try to question two college students in their twenties playing in a park.

After a while, Jongin got up, sending Kyungsoo’s end of the seesaw falling to the ground. Jongin walked up to Kyungsoo and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“We should go now. It’s getting late.” Jongin suggested, pulling on Kyungsoo’s sleeve slightly.

Kyungsoo felt like pulling a tantrum and staying there but it would probably cause him more trouble. Kyungsoo was still mad at Jongin. Jongin seemed to have cooled off, but Kyungsoo wasn’t going to apologize. Jongin didn’t even think of apologizing.

Kyungsoo nodded, pursing his lips together and turning his head up to look at Jongin. Kyungsoo could faintly make out the patterns on the snowflakes that fell, illuminated by the lamp posts and street lights from the road. Kyungsoo was wearing a hooded coat but Jongin was wearing a regular one. The white snow fell on Jongin’s dark hair, giving it a contrast that Kyungsoo thought looked pleasing especially under the soft lighting. Kyungsoo was more fixed on looking at Jongin’s face. Kyungsoo was older by a year but always felt that Jongin looked like the elder one.

Kyungsoo reluctantly got up and followed Jongin to his car. Once they were inside, Jongin started the engine to turn the heater on. Jongin turned to look at Kyungsoo who was avoiding his gaze.

 

“Are you going back to your family for the Lunar New Year?” Jongin asked, placing his hand gently on Kyungsoo’s lap.

Kyungsoo almost wanted to flinch from the sudden touch but managed a response, “I was planning to but we’re not celebrating this year. Everyone is just going to visit their friends anyway.”

“So you’ll be alone?” Jongin asked, leaning in closer to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo nodded, “…sort of”

“Do you want to spend it with me then?” Jongin suggested.

Kyungsoo turned his head to face Kyungsoo, “What do you mean?”

Jongin explained, “My younger sister called just now. She told me to come home and spend a few days at our home for the Lunar New Year. I was wondering if you want to come with me.”

“Your sister called?”” Kyungsoo paused, “…I can go with you?” Kyungsoo’s mouth hung slightly open.

Jongin responded, “She runs the house because my parents are never around so she’s arranging the Lunar New Year dinner for us. Yeah, I told her I was bringing someone over. So you can come if you want.”

“Uh…” Kyungsoo mumbled. “I think I can.”

“That’s great.” Jongin smiled and changed the gear to begin driving. “I think it’s fair for you to meet my family too. I already met yours after all.”

Kyungsoo smiled weakly. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea but he was relieved Jongin had forgot about their fight earlier. Kyungsoo also wasn’t sure to address it further. Just like every other hurdle they faced, it was swept under the carpet again. Kyungsoo did not realize the resentment building up in him. Kyungsoo was never sure.

 

Two days before the Lunar New Year, Jongin and Kyungsoo took the four hour’s drive south to Jongin’s hometown in Suncheon. Kyungsoo’s hometown was only forty minutes away by train and he wasn’t used to travelling for a longer period of time.

Jongin and Kyungsoo left early in the morning even before daybreak to avoid the holiday traffic. They arrived around noon with a few stops at a gas station and for breakfast at another town they passed by. It was also Kyungsoo’s first time to visit the South Jeolla province that Jongin came from. Kyungsoo was nervous and sort of felt like a protagonist in a drama who was about to visit their in-laws for the first time.

 

Jongin lived in a rather large but empty looking house in an equally quiet residential district with houses of similar stature. There was nothing homely about where Jongin lived. It could have passed off as an office building. Even the gates were built up high and the compound was walled to keep people out. It was as if the house was made to keep the people in, and outsiders away. Once Jongin had pulled up at the garage, Kyungsoo could count two very expensive looking cars parked.

Jongin saw Kyungsoo looking, “It’s my parents. They use it when they have to meet clients. It’s useless really. They’re a bunch of posers.”

“I thought you liked them.” Kyungsoo pondered.

“Not much. My sisters are ok but my parents are a different story.” Jongin explained.

“You used to talk about your family a lot.” Kyungsoo pointed out.

“I thought I could pretend I was happy by telling you the good stuff. I can’t run from the truth, Kyungsoo.”  Jongin sounded empty and quite sad.

Jongin killed the engine and unbuckled his seat belt before leaning in to hug Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo hugged him back. Kyungsoo sort of felt bad for Jongin. Jongin pulled away slightly to kiss Kyungsoo, holding Kyungsoo’s face in his hands. Kyungsoo did not refuse him either. Jongin got too engrossed in the kiss and was about to stick his tongue into Kyungsoo when he heard knocking on the car window from the driver’s side.

It was Jongin’s seventeen year-old sister, Haein, who knocked and was visibly seen shaking her head and mouthing the words “I knew it”.


	10. I knew it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is basically an info dump filler.

It was at Jongin’s house that Kyungsoo began to discover who Jongin really was. Jongin never lied to Kyungsoo, but never told Kyungsoo the whole picture either.

Jongin was the eldest child of three including himself. His younger sister, Haein, a high school senior basically ran the house due to their parents’ absence. The other younger sister, Yooin, went to a special education elementary school due to her disability. Yooin had a sight disability and was declared legally blind, although she was able to make up blurry images of certain movements in her line of view.

Jongin’s parents were managers for the Hyundai plant factory nearby. It was where they had gotten the fancy cars from and how Jongin could own a similarly nice car at his age. Kyungsoo talked about his sisters but never about his parents. There wasn’t even a single family picture in the house.

 

Jongin showed Kyungsoo to his room and helped carry up their bags. Jongin had a large room on the second floor with ceiling to floor windows covered by heavy curtains. Everything was neat and orderly. Jongin’s room was almost empty as he had most things moved into his apartment in Seoul. The whole atmosphere felt very cold. Kyungsoo wasn’t used to it.

“You can sleep in my room.” Jongin urged as he placed down their bags in a corner.

“Are you sure? I think I should sleep in the guest room. I mean-” Kyungsoo was cut off mid sentence by Jongin.

“My sister knows we’re gay. She saw us and you see she doesn’t really care.” Jongin explained as he changed out of his clothes to wear.

Kyungsoo managed to steal in a few glances at Jongin’s shirtless form.

“Okay then.” Kyungsoo agreed.

It was not like sleeping in the same bed together was the least chaste thing he could do with Jongin. Kyungsoo was worried how his family would have reacted. He had Jongin’s dick up his ass a few times and there wasn’t any reason he thought he should be shy about after.

There was still time for dinner and Kyungsoo spent his time talking to Haein on the couch in the living room. Jongin was there too, with Yooin sitting on his lap as he helped her read a book in Braille. Kyungsoo then understood why a person like Jongin would want to pursue an education major.

“I knew it.” Haein shook her head as she dipped a biscuit into the cup of coffee in her hand.

“…knew what?” Kyungsoo was pretending to pay attention to the news on the TV.

“Jongin said he was bringing someone home named Kyungsoo. Then I thought to myself, what girl is named Kyungsoo?” Haein explained before taking a bite of her soggy biscuit.

 “Then I saw you two trying to suck each other’s faces off and I don’t really need to guess anymore. It doesn’t bother me. If Jongin likes dicks and it makes him happy then so be it.” Haein rolled her eyes sarcastically.

Jongin looked up from the book and hissed at Haein “Don’t say _dick_ s around Yooin. She’s too young to hear that.”

Haein curled her lip, “You just said it too. Now she heard it twice.”

Kyungsoo genuinely laughed. It was not like Kyungsoo had expected. Kyungsoo was a bit scared to visit Jongin’s family out of fear that they were as unstable as he was. They seemed pretty sane to him. Kyungsoo thought to himself that it was just a personal trait of Jongin’s.

_So crazy doesn’t run in the family_

 

 

Jongin’s family had a helper to clean the house and cook the meals, but she was on leave for the holidays herself. Jongin and Haein cooked the dinner while Kyungsoo babysat for Yooin at the table.

“Let me know if she needs anything. I’ll be right over in the kitchen.” Jongin mentioned as he checked to visit on how Kyungsoo was doing.

“Yeah I will”, Kyungsoo nodded.

Kyungsoo mainly talked to Yooin and asked her about things such as school and her hobbies. Kyungsoo looked around and realized he was alone with just her. He could hear Jongin and Haein talking from the kitchen but they weren’t totally in sight. Kyungsoo’s curiosity got the best of him.

“Yooin, how’s Jongin oppa like when he’s home?” Kyungsoo asked.

“He’s quiet. Very quiet.” Yooin answered, her hands stroking the synthetic hair on the doll she had placed on her lap.

“What else can you tell me about Jongin oppa? Why is he quiet?” Kyungsoo further inquired.

“It’s because mommy and daddy never listen to him. When he talks to them, they ignore him. It makes Jongin oppa very sad.” Yooin reached around on the table and handed out another doll to Kyungsoo. “Do you want to play with my doll?”

“Yeah sure”, Kyungsoo agreed and picked up the other doll to play pretend tea time with Yooin.

Kyungsoo wasn’t so bad around children.

 

Kyungsoo later had an early dinner with Jongin and his younger sisters. It was rather merry and Kyungsoo stayed quiet for the most part, not wanting to interfere in the sibling’s reunion. They talked a lot about the past year Jongin had been away at college. The food wasn’t that bad either. Kyungsoo didn’t understand yet what Yooin meant earlier about Jongin. Kyungsoo was definitely in store to find out why.

Jongin’s father came home from work first while the quartet was still busy having dinner. He greeted them and Jongin did not look up from his plate once. It was only later at night once Kyungsoo was asleep in Jongin’s bed when he was awoken by faint but audible voices talking from the hallway. Kyungsoo saw shadows of feet walking from the gap beneath the door. It was Jongin’s voice and that of an older woman whom Kyungsoo assumed to be Jongin’s mother. Kyungsoo quietly got up from bed and pressed his ear to the door to hear the conversation.

“You should have told me you were coming home”, the woman’s voice spoke in an annoyed tone. “Is the money we gave you not enough? Did you come back to ask for money?”

“I’m here to spend time with my sisters. I wouldn’t ask you for money even if I needed it.” Jongin firmly affirmed.

“Well you better not embarrass me, Jongin. I’m not going to be home for the Lunar New Year anyway. Living in this house frustrates me.” The woman’s voice was dismissive and served as an indicator of her personality.

Kyungsoo heard someone walk away and the sound of the doorknob to the room being turned. Kyungsoo took a few steps back and came face to face with Jongin when the door was opened.

“I thought you were asleep”, Jongin stated as he made his way past Kyungsoo and closed the door.

Jongin laid down on his bed and Kyungsoo followed, fixing the blanket on the both of them.

“I’m sorry to wake you up”, Jongin added, staring at the ceiling.

“It’s ok. It’s nothing bad.” Kyungsoo reassured, lying down on his side to face Jongin.

Jongin turned his head to look at Kyungsoo, “I’m sure you have questions.”

Kyungsoo nodded, “…a bit”

Jongin smiled and explained the situation to Kyungsoo. According to Jongin, about ten years ago not long after Yooin was born, Jongin’s mother one day decided she regretted getting married and having children. Jongin’s father discovered she was having an affair but stayed in the marriage for the sake of their professions and joint business. Jongin’s mother only visited occasionally and lived with her boyfriend in another place for the most part. Jongin and Haein always hated when their mother came around, as she only came there to snap and remind them how she wished they were never born. Jongin’s father was indifferent. He never showed his emotions and didn’t know how to express his feelings. He didn’t know how to connect or bond with his children after their mother left and assumed he could substitute it by buying them everything they wanted. These days, Jongin’s father found himself a new woman himself and often spent time at her place instead.

Jongin was only ten years old when his parents went through what he called a “midlife” crisis. Jongin didn’t understand what they went through and wondered why they never paid attention to him anymore. Jongin would come home after having done well in school or after winning a sports event to show off his hard work only to be ignored. His mother would sneer at him to go away and his father would just nod and give him money.

Jongin looked at Kyungsoo one last time before falling asleep, “You don’t have to hit people to hurt them. Actions and words hurt the same.”

_Maybe crazy does run in the family after all_

 

Jongin’s mother wasn’t around for the Lunar New Year as expected and his father only dropped by for a short while. Jongin showed Kyungsoo around his hometown and everything went by peacefully. Kyungsoo was less nervous but thought a lot about what Jongin had told him. Kyungsoo thought Jongin was just crazy but he was more damaged than just that. Kyungsoo wanted to help but it was Jongin’s responsibility to fix himself. Kyungsoo couldn’t help a man who didn’t want to be helped. Kyungsoo thought he was the one who was slowly losing it himself.

 

Jongin and Kyungsoo left after spending four days at Jongin’s hometown. Classes were to begin a week and Jongin drove Kyungsoo back to his shared house early in the morning to make sure no one saw them together.

Kyungsoo reached behind to grab his bags from the backseat. Kyungsoo felt Jongin touching him gently on the middle of his back

“Why don’t you move in with me instead?” Jongin suggested

Kyungsoo managed to grab hold of his bag and placed it down on his lap.

“I’m sorry, Jongin. My parents already paid my rent in advance for me to stay here. It’s also closer and I can walk to class from here.” Kyungsoo explained.

“I can drive you to class and we can go together if we have it at the same time. You don’t have to pay rent when you stay with me. Your parents would be fine if we stayed together, I’m sure of it.” Jongin proclaimed as he moved his body closer to Kyungsoo.

Kyungsoo did not move but in his head he had ran for the hills. Kyungsoo honestly doubt staying with Jongin would be a good idea. Kyungsoo was honestly scared. Jongin always made him feel differently and drove him to desperation. Kyungsoo had been trying to bury the memory of him attacking Jongin with a knife. Jongin never brought it up, but Jongin never brought up anything anyway. It only made Kyungsoo feel like he had imagined everything in his head. Kyungsoo was too scared to bring it up. Kyungsoo would resort to lying to get out of a situation and he did just that.

“I will think about it, Jongin. Give me some time, okay? This is all rather new to me. We’ve only been dating for a few months after all.” Kyungsoo smiled and Jongin could never say no when it came to Kyungsoo.

Jongin hugged Kyungsoo tightly. “I trust you.”

Kyungsoo doubted it, but it was not like Kyungsoo trusted Jongin either.

 

Kyungsoo noticed Chanyeol’s car was parked in the driveway and found Yixing’s sneakers on the shoe rack when he entered the house. Kyungsoo was one of the late ones to return to the shared house. Only Baekhyun was left as he was still on holiday with his family.

Kyungsoo quietly entered and walked up to his room to the second floor. It was here exactly a year ago when he first met Jongin. Baekhyun now occupied the room Jongin left.

Jongin had seemed so sweet and innocent then. Kyungsoo really had no idea what he was getting into. Kyungsoo had only fallen in love with an idea of Jongin. Kyungsoo so badly wanted Jongin to return his feelings then. Kyungsoo would have killed a man if it meant getting to be with Jongin. Kyungsoo’s wish was answered and now Jongin wanted nothing else but to be together. It was as if he and Jongin had completely rubbed off and exchanged personalities with each other.

Kyungsoo was shit out scared and wondered if it was not too late for him to turn the situation around. Kyungsoo hated himself for even having such thoughts. Kyungsoo didn’t want to give up so soon. Kyungsoo believed there were things left that he could still do. The feeling of doubt never left however.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is already the 2nd half of the story. I'll be wrapping it up in 5+ more chapters.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today in household items being used to assault your unstable boyfriend.

Kyungsoo began his third year studying architecture smoothly without any bumps or setbacks. Jongin was sometimes reminded of his poor results the previous year and tried to do better this time. Chanyeol and Baekhyun were also third year students both studying engineering in different fields. Yixing was in his fourth and final year pursuing his accounting degree.

It was only lately that Kyungsoo started to appreciate his housemates even more. Kyungsoo was initially ashamed he had known them for a while but only knew about them personally as of late.

Kyungsoo was surprised that Chanyeol wasn’t even angry about not calling him like he was asked to. Kyungsoo had actually listened to Jongin about not contacting Chanyeol. Chanyeol was actually genuinely worried about Kyungsoo’s wellbeing for being around Jongin. Kyungsoo reassured Chanyeol that everything was fine, and asked of Chanyeol to give Jongin a chance. Chanyeol sighed and agreed to give Jongin a chance after Kyungsoo adamantly defended him. Kyungsoo honestly felt it would be better if he could just come out as gay and admit to being a couple with Jongin.

There wasn’t much time to see Jongin with classes in session. Both their schedules were packed and the weekends were mostly to catch up on sleep from sheer exhaustion built up over the week. Jongin also had his part time job to go to, and Kyungsoo was given an advanced project design assignment right at the beginning of his semester.

Kyungsoo and Jongin managed to meet up during lunch times and hide away at a quiet spot to spend the short hour or two together. Kyungsoo managed to sleep over at Jongin’s place during some weekends, but all they ever did was sleep and work on their respective tasks. The rest of the time, they managed short car dates. Jongin would stop by Kyungsoo’s place on his way home from class, and they would spend about half an hour in Jongin’s car parked a few houses away.

 

During one of those car dates, Jongin laid his down on Kyungsoo’s chest and quietly muttered, “I wish I could just lock you up so we could be together forever.”

Kyungsoo dismissed it as a joke and as Jongin just missing to spend time with him. Jongin might have been but he did consider it at the time.

 

 The days got warmer and spring was in full blow by the end of April. Kyungsoo had not seen Jongin much during spring the previous year and was unaware of how allergic Jongin was to pollen. Jongin walked everywhere in a face mask and sunglasses. Despite that, his eyes were always red and sore, and he was constantly coughing and sneezing.

Kyungsoo had built up a rather elaborate model design of a house and the adjacent street, for his midterm assignment. Kyungsoo was rather proud of it but couldn’t help to notice that he was missing his stapler and penknife, both items he needed to construct the model. Kyungsoo thought that he might have left it at Jongin’s apartment. Kyungsoo decided it wasn’t worth the hassle and bought new ones from the stationery shop.

 

Jongin had to skip classes for a week but was persistent about going to meet Kyungsoo nonetheless. Kyungsoo insisted that Jongin stayed home to rest, but Jongin was ignoring everything Kyungsoo told him. Kyungsoo took the commute to Jongin’s place after classes every day since then, to make sure Jongin wouldn’t drag himself to come visit Kyungsoo two districts over. Jongin offered Kyungsoo to borrow his car but forgot to realize that Kyungsoo never learnt to drive. Kyungsoo appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

Kyungsoo’s deadline approached and he was to present his design in front of the whole class. Kyungsoo was kept up all night rehearsing his presentation in front of his mirror. Baekhyun even came knocking at his door around midnight to ask if he was okay. Baekhyun had heard Kyungsoo all the way from his room next door.

Kyungsoo rushed out of the house first thing in the morning, forgetting his phone still plugged in to charge. Jongin was still sick and did not attend classes that day either. Jongin frantically attempted to call and text Kyungsoo all day. Kyungsoo only realized he had left his phone behind around noon after his presentation and classes were over. Kyungsoo very well knew how Jongin would react in a situation like that. Jongin would range from bursting in anger to crying and to pretending it never happened in all of 10 seconds. Kyungsoo was worried it was the least favorable reaction.

Kyungsoo half walked and half ran back to his place. Kyungsoo ran whenever he thought nobody was watching and speed walked when he came across other people. Kyungsoo hated attracting attention and didn’t want to stop to answer questions from onlookers. It was a warm afternoon and Kyungsoo was dripping in sweat from his impromptu sprint by the time he reached his house. If Kyungsoo had not slowed down to walk occasionally from people watching, he thought that he might have fainted from the heat.

Kyungsoo entered the key code to the door and immediately ran inside without taking his shoes off, slamming the door shut behind him. No one was home anyway to reprimand him for that. Kyungsoo skipped two steps at a time to get to his room on the second floor. Kyungsoo’s door was half open and he swung the door to fully open it.

 

Jongin was standing there in front of Kyungsoo’s work desk with his arms crossed across his chest. Jongin was still wearing his full outdoor attire and still had his shoes on, and face mask lowered to his chin. Kyungsoo was trying to recall if he saw Jongin’s car parked nearby. He certainly never thought Jongin would be there.

“Welcome back, Kyungsoo.” Jongin calmly greeted.

Jongin’s calmness only threw off Kyungsoo even more.

“How did you get in?” Kyungsoo could only manage to respond.

Jongin moved in closer to Kyungsoo, closing the gap between the two. “You know, the passcode to the backdoor was never changed after I moved out. Only the front door’s was changed. That’s how I got in last time too.”

Jongin’s revelation answered several questions Kyungsoo had been wondering about. Jongin walked up to Kyungsoo and came face to face with him, looking downwards slightly to match Kyungsoo’s shorter eye level. Kyungsoo wasn’t looking back to Jongin’s eyes.

“You didn’t answer my calls or text me back. I thought you were doing it on purpose so I came here to see you.” Jongin proclaimed.

“I left my phone at home because I was in a rush this morning. You know I’d never ignore you on purpose. That’s why I came back to get it.” Kyungsoo looked up to make eye contact and flinched.

Jongin’s gaze scared him. It was so uncertain. Kyungsoo could not read how Jongin actually felt, and that was a double edged sword by itself. It made Jongin seem alluring and mysterious; Kyungsoo admitted to having fell for that side of him. However at the current moment, it came back to stab him.

 

_Humans are scared of what they do not know_

 

“I was just making sure.” Jongin revealed as he pulled Kyungsoo into a hug, resting his head against the side of Kyungsoo’s.

Kyungsoo stood still and did not move, he was thinking of his next plan and action. Even if he wanted to leave, he would still have to deal with Jongin later. Kyungsoo looked over to where he had left his phone charging. It was not there. Kyungsoo had planned to grab his phone, kiss Jongin goodbye and return to his afternoon classes.

Jongin saw Kyungsoo looking for his phone.

“I have it here with me.” Jongin admitted, pulling out the phone from his pocket.

Jongin handed the phone to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo was about to take it into his own hands when Jongin pulled it away.

“What’s wrong?” Kyungsoo asked with his hand reached out, now grabbing thin air.

“What did you tell Chanyeol about us?” Jongin inquired, hanging Kyungsoo’s phone in front of his eyes.

“I didn’t say anything. Chanyeol did ask about you but I told him to give you a chance. He hasn’t said anything since then.” Kyungsoo explained, his hands falling to his sides.

“I would like it if you stopped talking to Chanyeol. He’s annoying.” Jongin demanded in a tone that gave goose bumps on Kyungsoo’s skin.

Kyungsoo tried to reason. “Jongin, I live here with him. It would be difficult if I did that. There’s no reason for me to do that. Chanyeol hasn’t done anything.”

“Oh, so is that why you don’t want to move in with me?” Jongin angrily asked, his tone of voice being the indicator of his temper. “…because you want to be with Chanyeol!”

 

Kyungsoo was astonished and his mouth gaped open, “I never said that, Jongin. You’re only hearing things you want to hear. Chanyeol and I are just friends. You are being unreasonable, Jongin.”

“No!” Jongin shouted. “You don’t know how I feel.”

Kyungsoo jumped a little from having Jongin suddenly shouting at him. Kyungsoo did try to understand Jongin, but Jongin made little sense for him to.

Jongin roughly dropped Kyungsoo’s phone to the floor and grabbed his arm instead.

“You are coming with me.” Jongin demanded, pulling on Kyungsoo. Jongin was trying to pull Kyungsoo out of his room.

Kyungsoo retaliated and pulled against Jongin’s force. “What are you doing, Jongin?” Kyungsoo almost cried.

“Just come with me, Kyungsoo.” Jongin harshly insisted, pulling on Kyungsoo’s arm while attempting to drag him out of the room.

 

Kyungsoo wasn’t allowing Jongin to drag him to wherever it was he had in mind. Kyungsoo did not give in and did what he thought to be the right decision. Kyungsoo spotted his brand new stapler lying on the table just within his reach. Kyungsoo momentarily stopped pulling against Jongin to grab the stapler and firmly press it against Jongin’s inner right arm. The click sound was heard and Kyungsoo had embedded an inch deep staple into the soft flesh of Jongin’s arm.

Jongin flinched from the pain and unconsciously let go of Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo stumbled back and tried to catch his balance before falling against the edge of his desk. Kyungsoo played himself into his own trap. Kyungsoo put his hand out to catch his balance all while holding the stapler in a compromising situation. Kyungsoo’s hand aided by the weight of supporting his body was more than enough force to drive a staple into his palm, when the stapler hit the table right below where his hand was.

Kyungsoo cried out from the pain and shakingly attempted to pull the staple away from his skin. Jongin saw this, holding out his now bleeding arm with the staple embedded in his skin still. Kyungsoo winced from the pain and didn’t manage to pull the staple out himself either.  


 

“You’re fucking crazy.” Jongin mentioned, shaking his head.

Kyungsoo turned to look at Jongin behind him. “Are you satisfied now?” Kyungsoo asked sarcastically.

“Somewhat”, Jongin smirked to himself.

Kyungsoo was tempted to tackle Jongin right there and then, and choke him with his thighs if he had to. Kyungsoo changed his mind because he thought that Jongin might actually like that.   
Kyungsoo wasn’t bleeding much save for a few spots of blood. Jongin was however slowly trickling blood from his arm onto the ground at a constant rate. Kyungsoo thought he might have hit a vein on Jongin’s arm.

 

Jongin began coughing. He hadn’t fully recovered from his illness. Jongin ran out of breath and sat on the floor with his back leaning on the edge Kyungsoo’s bed. Jongin caught his breath, his wounded and bleeding arm placed on his lap, wetting his shirt and pants below him.  
Kyungsoo grabbed a box of tissues with his other hand and handed it to Jongin. Jongin accepted the tissues and pressed it firmly against the bleeding to provide pressure, without driving the staple in further.

Kyungsoo sat down beside Jongin with his legs crossed. “I think we should go to the doctor’s.”

Jongin chuckled morbidly, “You think?”

Kyungsoo nodded. “We probably need tetanus shots for this too.”

Jongin sighed, “You do know you can go to court if the doctor’s find out you did this to me.”

“We’ll tell them it was an accident. We’ll just go to a private clinic where they won’t ask. I’ll pay.” Kyungsoo sounded worried.

“We will do that then.” Jongin agreed and slowly got up. “Let’s go then.”

 

Kyungsoo picked his phone up from the floor and too got up. Before they left, Kyungsoo tied an old shirt around Jongin’s arm as a temporary tourniquet. Jongin had parked his car at the back driveway, and that answered Kyungsoo’s other question of how he got there and why he did not see Jongin’s car initially.

Jongin managed to drive despite his injury, although he needed help pulling the handle brake and changing the stick gear. Kyungsoo did his best to help from the passenger seat, despite not knowing how to drive, simply by listening to what Jongin told him to do. Jongin drove slowly as precaution.

It was a pricey trip to the doctor’s. It had cost Kyungsoo his almost two weeks’s allowance, but just as Jongin had told him; nobody asked how two college students walked into the place each with staple wounds. Public healthcare would have covered the costs in a government hospital, but they would certainly ask questions. Kyungsoo and Jongin were a bit too scared and unconfident if the situation should arise. They both were painfully aware how unhealthy their relationship were and how it would like in the eyes of a normal person.

 

After the clinic visit, Jongin begged Kyungsoo to sleepover at his place. Kyungsoo suggested giving each other space but Jongin only insisted it would make things worse if they were apart. Jongin had grown rather too attached to Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo wondered why it didn’t make him happy. Wasn’t this what he wanted after all? Kyungsoo would kill to have Jongin want him this much. Kyungsoo’s wish did come true but it wasn’t how he imagined it to be. Jongin had been living in Kyungsoo’s head too much. Now it was time to face the real Kim Jongin.

At the same time, Kyungsoo felt rather sorry for Jongin. Kyungsoo did not want to mistreat the person who wanted him so much. Kyungsoo could not just leave. Kyungsoo did not want to start over again. There was probably a few other people out there named Kim Jongin, but to Kyungsoo there was only one. This time Kyungsoo blamed no one but himself. No longer did Kyungsoo blame Jongin, or love or his lack of personal experience. Kyungsoo had fallen in love with crazy and crazy loved him back. It was past the realization phase and onward to the acceptance phase.

 

_We’ll just be crazy together then_

 

 


	12. We still can't

Jongin returned to classes soon after and the midterms followed. Now piled with studying for tests, Jongin and Kyungsoo saw each other increasingly less. There were lots of calls and texts between the two but Jongin was never satisfied. Kyungsoo continued accommodating Jongin’s behavior but was less bothered by it.

Kyungsoo finished all his papers earlier. Jongin still had another day of tests before the weekend following the midterm break. Jongin asked Kyungsoo to stay over at his place. Kyungsoo refused however and somehow, Jongin complied and let Kyungsoo go back home. Later that night, Kyungsoo received a text from Jongin instructing him to open his curtains and look out of the window. Kyungsoo was horrified to find Jongin standing below the tree outside his window in the pouring rain.

 

Jongin looked up at Kyungsoo from below and he looked very sad. Kyungsoo now felt bad. If Jongin was guilt tripping him, he was doing a pretty decent job at it.

Kyungsoo clenched his teeth and whispered to himself, “Shit what do I do?”

Kyungsoo couldn’t open the window and shout to Jongin below. His housemates were all at home and one of them would be bound to see Jongin eventually.

Kyungsoo quickly texted Jongin back: “Go to the backdoor and wait till I get there. Make sure no one sees you.”

 

Jongin’s face lit up when he read the text and did as he was told. Kyungsoo carefully walked past by Baekhyun’s room. Baekhyun was busy studying and had left his door open. Kyungsoo managed to slip by unnoticed. Kyungsoo reached the first floor and was thankful Chanyeol and Yixing were both in their rooms too.

Kyungsoo swung open the backdoor leading from the wet kitchen. Jongin was wet but not soaking as he had been standing under the tree for the most part. Jongin was wearing the black sweater with his name on the back; the same one Kyungsoo had borrowed. Kyungsoo sighed and stood between Jongin and the door, as if he was using his body as a physical barrier.

“I don’t think you should come in.” Kyungsoo suggested. “The others won’t react so kindly I think.”

“I know. I know. I just came here to see you.” Jongin spoke, his voice cracking up. Jongin was shivering from the cold of the rain.

“Did you drive here?” Kyungsoo questioned.

Jongin nodded. “Yes, I parked a few houses down.”

Kyungsoo tried to be gentle with Jongin, “I’ll lend you an umbrella so you can walk back to your car, but you need to go back after this. I’ll come see you after your test is over. I promise.”

Jongin agreed and Kyungsoo left him momentarily to look for the umbrella in his room. Kyungsoo managed to slip by Baekhyun again this time. Kyungsoo handed the umbrella and Jongin held on to it firmly for a while before accepting it.

Jongin asked for a hug before he left. Kyungsoo agreed and had gotten the front of his shirt wet from the hug. Jongin held onto Kyungsoo tightly. Kyungsoo stood watching from the door until Jongin vanished from sight. Kyungsoo was rather sad that he could not bring Jongin over inside. It wasn’t making things easier for him.

 

Jongin fell asleep that night on the phone with Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo kept his promise and came to visit the next day in the evening, once Jongin was done with his paper and Kyungsoo was sure Jongin would be home.

Kyungsoo knocked several times on the door but Jongin didn’t answer. Kyungsoo thought maybe he was wrong and Jongin might not have been home. Kyungsoo used his keys to get in and came to a rather messy looking place. Jongin had been kind of a slob but Kyungsoo often picked up after him. Kyungsoo had not been over in a week and the condition of the place was no surprise to him.

Kyungsoo looked in the shower but Jongin was not there either. Kyungsoo began cleaning up for Jongin and cooked the rice for dinner. Kyungsoo was washing dishes when he heard the stumbling sounds of a person with keys at the door. Kyungsoo rushed to the door to open it for Jongin and came face to face with not just Jongin, but a baby in his arms and a bag slung over his shoulders.

 

Jongin was out of breath and it looked like he was running from something. Jongin pushed his way past a shocked Kyungsoo and placed the baby gently on the bed before sitting on the floor to catch his breath. Kyungsoo closed the door and made sure to check twice he locked it properly.

“Jongin! Whose baby is that?” Kyungsoo questioned with his voice slightly raised.

“It’s Yehwa’s.” Jongin answered catching his breath.

Kyungsoo walked up to the bed to look at the baby. The baby was wrapped in a pink towel and was still fast asleep.

“Why do you have Yehwa’s baby!?” Kyungsoo tried to keep his voice down to avoid waking the baby. The last thing he would want is a crying baby in the place.

“I stole the baby.” Jongin confessed, kneeling at the edge of the bed to inspect the baby.

“Why?” it was all Kyungsoo could say in the midst of the confusion.

 

Jongin explained, “She’s been coming by where I work asking me for money still. I ignored her and then I didn’t see her for two weeks. She came back with bruises all over and she had given birth. Her boyfriend has been beating her and threatened to take the baby away. So, I gave her enough money to buy a bus fare back to her hometown and took the baby myself. She is afraid her parents won’t accept her if she comes home with the baby. They were against her pregnancy in the first place.”

Jongin had his face in his hands and was shaking from the rush of adrenaline. He stayed quiet for a while after that.

“It’s not yours isn’t it?” Kyungsoo spoke up after a while. “I mean…you know. You had a thing with Yehwa before.”

Jongin looked up to Kyungsoo standing above him and shook his head. “No, the baby is not mine. She was already two months pregnant that time.”

“…and she was taking drugs while pregnant?” Kyungsoo was mortified when he realized it.

Jongin shrugged his shoulders.

Kyungsoo was still curious and asked, “If she let you take the baby, then what do you mean by stealing?”

“Her boyfriend knows she ran away now and wants the baby. It’s his child. He knows I’m connected to Yehwa and he might come looking for me.” Jongin revealed.

 

Kyungsoo felt like Jongin had killed someone, and he was now helping Jongin drag the body to bury in the middle of an abandoned forest. Except no one was dead and there was a baby involved instead. Yehwa had left some clothes and a bottle for the baby in the bag she had also passed to Jongin.

Kyungsoo carefully snuck out the apartment making sure he wasn’t followed to buy powdered milk for a newborn baby. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure which one to buy, but a lady who worked at the store was glad to help him. She even congratulated Kyungsoo, thinking he had just become a father. Kyungsoo smiled and did not correct her. She would probably call the police if she knew the truth.

 

Kyungsoo came home with the can of milk and some diapers. Jongin had pulled out a drawer lined with a blanket to use as a makeshift crib. The baby began crying as soon as Kyungsoo arrived. Kyungsoo quickly made milk from the instructions on the back of the can, while Jongin did his best to cradle the baby in his arms to stop her from crying.

Jongin sat on the bed cradling the baby in his arms while holding the bottle up for her to drink. Kyungsoo sat on the edge of the bed watching him.

“What is her name?” Kyungsoo asked.

Jongin looked up to Kyungsoo, “I don’t know actually. I don’t think the baby has been registered either.”

Kyungsoo shook his head. “You took someone’s child but don’t even know the name.”

Jongin chuckled, “You said I was crazy after all.”

Kyungsoo sighed, “We’ll name her then.”

“How about Anna?” Jongin suggested. “Like the Anna from Frozen. Girls like that don’t they?”

“I think she’s a few years too early for Frozen.” Kyungsoo chided in. “…but Anna is a good name. We’ll just call her that since we don’t know what her parents actually named her.”

Jongin smiled, “Anna it is then.”

“To be honest, I’m more of an Elsa fan.” Kyungsoo lightly chuckled.

 

Anna fell asleep shortly after her milk. Kyungsoo and Jongin both helped to change her diapers without waking her up. Anna slept in her makeshift crib placed on the floor beside the bed. Jongin stayed up in bed to read articles on his phone on how to care for a baby. Jongin hadn’t fallen asleep long enough when Anna woke up in the night crying. Kyungsoo was awoken too and was momentarily disoriented before remembered about the baby’s presence.

Jongin got up to make the milk. Kyungsoo crouched over the drawer and checked Anna’s diapers. It was still clean so it didn’t have to be changed yet. This time, Kyungsoo sat on the bed holding Anna in his arms while she had her milk. Jongin rolled over and went back to sleep.

 Kyungsoo almost fell asleep with Anna in his arms, his head hitting the headboard of the bed. The sound woke both Jongin and Kyungsoo up.

“Oops…sorry” Kyungsoo muttered still half asleep.

Kyungsoo placed the bottle on the bedside table and tucked Anna back into the makeshift crib. Kyungsoo went to sleep and woke up the next morning pinned down by Jongin again in a spooning position. Kyungsoo didn’t struggle to get up from bed this time since Anna woke Jongin up from her crying shortly later. Kyungsoo grinned to himself and silently thanked Anna for that.

 

Kyungsoo and Jongin were grateful that they were on midterm break, so they had time to take care of Anna.  It did not escape their mind that they were two college students with limited funds to be caring for a baby that was not theirs. They were bound to run into some financial, time and even legal problems. Jongin even brought up the fact that what they were doing was considered kidnapping. Kyungsoo panicked a little and suggested they ran away with the child. Kyungsoo mentioned skipping countries and swimming to Japan. Kyungsoo wasn’t thinking straight at that moment. Jongin honestly thought it was comical.

By Sunday just two days into living with Anna, Kyungsoo and Jongin were running low on both food and energy. Both their sleeping schedules were messed up and when awake; they had to watch over Anna and were too tired to do anything else.

 

Jongin had not been showing up at work, and his manager had called to inquire about his absence. It was noon but Jongin was half asleep and had told his manager over the phone he wouldn’t be coming in ever again. Jongin resigned on the spot over the phone. Kyungsoo was asleep but later heard about it from Jongin.

“Cool, now we’re jobless and have a baby.” Kyungsoo mentioned the obvious.

Jongin laughed sarcastically. “It seems so.”

“What do we do now?” Kyungsoo asked looking to Jongin.

Jongin shook his head, “I don’t know. Let me think about it.”

Jongin laid down his head on Kyungsoo’s lap before falling asleep shortly later from exhaustion. This was harder than he thought. Jongin certainly did think twice of having children of his own in the future. If he and Kyungsoo managed to stay together, neither of them would be giving birth anyway. The thought comforted Jongin.

 

 

Jongin and Kyungsoo came to the realization there was no food, or at least anything they could prepare hassle free. They had been surviving on just canned food, ramen and fast food deliveries. They were sure craving actual cooked meals now.

For the first time in days, Jongin and Kyungsoo set out of the apartment with Anna in tow. They might have been inexperienced but were in no way dumb enough to leave a few weeks old baby alone. Jongin drove them to a family restaurant. Kyungsoo sat in the backseat carefully holding Anna. They were too broke to buy a baby car seat or a stroller, so everything had to be done manually.

Jongin ate first while Kyungsoo held Anna. After Jongin was done, they switched so Kyungsoo could eat. It was a family restaurant where people brought their families with them, so no one was too bothered that they had brought a baby with them.

Jongin and Kyungsoo had also come up with a fake story to tell anyone who asked about Anna. They would pretend that Anna is Jongin’s baby sister he had to babysit, while Kyungsoo would be the cousin who came over to help. They thought it was sort of believable at least. A waitress did ask and the lie didn’t arise any suspicion, as she was busy fawning over Anna.

 

Anna started crying on the drive back home, but Kyungsoo managed to calm her down by offering her milk. Jongin was worried and constantly looked behind when he could to check up on Kyungsoo and Anna. Kyungsoo reassured him it was fine and everything was under control.

“We still can’t keep her forever.” Jongin sighed as he focused on the road and continued driving.

“We aren’t fit to be parents either if we wanted or could afford to.” Kyungsoo added, with Anna still asleep in his arms in the backseat.

Jongin laughed from the driver’s seat. Kyungsoo was right and Jongin didn’t deny it. Maybe they were too young but even Jongin knew they couldn’t raise a child as it is. Jongin drove slowly and carefully on the way back.

 

 

After Anna had fallen asleep, Kyungsoo laid down in bed with Jongin, both of them staring at the ceiling.

“What do we do now?” Kyungsoo asked, turning his head to look at Jongin.

“I’ll ask Yehwa tomorrow.” Jongin answered, looking at Kyungsoo beside him.

Now Jongin and Kyungsoo understood what it meant when people said your sex life decreases once you have children. Even though it wasn’t their child, Kyungsoo and Jongin certainly felt it. Jongin tried making his move but realized it didn’t feel right to do it with a sleeping baby beside the bed. It was a studio apartment and it was not like he could do it with Kyungsoo in another room. There was the shower but they were too tired to get up from taking care of Anna all day.

Knowing Anna could wake up at any time, they decided to catch up on sleep while they could. It was really harder than any of them expected. There wasn’t even any time to fight or disagree between the both of them. Maybe that was the good part.

 

 


	13. Just Like

Anna did not cry throughout the night or at least Kyungsoo was too tired to hear it. Kyungsoo woke up the next morning to find Jongin already giving Anna her milk while he sat on the reclining chair watching TV.

“Good morning”, Kyungsoo greeted, still half asleep and head hurting.

Jongin greeted him back, turning to look at Kyungsoo slightly. 

“Did you eat yet?” Kyungsoo asked as he made his way to the kitchen to look for something he could eat. He was very hungry and decided to make do with whatever he could find.

“Not yet.” Jongin announced.

Kyungsoo found some eggs and thought he would just make do with fried eggs and rice. He was considerate enough to cook for Jongin too. Jongin made sure to keep an eye on Kyungsoo while he cooked. The last time Kyungsoo was cooking didn’t end so well. Jongin wasn’t nervous but was certainly cautious.

Nothing unexpected happened and Kyungsoo finished frying the eggs without incident. Anna was a blessing to have around. Kyungsoo and Jongin had not raise voices and argue irrationally over the past three days since Anna had been around. Jongin sure did notice that.

They both had a simple breakfast of rice and fried eggs topped with soy sauce. It would have to do for now since they didn’t have much money after buying diapers and milk. Jongin had also quit his job and Kyungsoo had a meager single student allowance.

 

After breakfast, Jongin tried calling Yehwa. She did not pick up her calls so Jongin left her a voicemail to call him back later. Yehwa was certainly trouble but her boyfriend, Anna’s father, was even more of a hassle. Jongin would rather deal with Yehwa regarding Anna.

Jongin got on his computer to check his online account balance.

“My workplace banked in my last payment”, Jongin announced while Kyungsoo washed the dishes.

“It should last us a few weeks if we’re thrifty.” Kyungsoo replied, not looking up from his chore.

Jongin sighed, his legs crossed on the chair, “We have more than just a few weeks to go through however. Classes start again next week. Who will take care of Anna?”

Kyungsoo finished up his task and wiped his hands off with a towel. “Did Yehwa say anything yet?”

Jongin turned to look at his phone on the desk beside his computer. Jongin shook his head, “Nope. Nothing yet.”

Kyungsoo crouched on the floor beside Anna’s makeshift crib, watching her sleeping face. “Guess we’ll be her foster parents in the mean time.”

Jongin chuckled, leaning back on his chair, “Foster _fathers_ you mean.”

“If that’s what we are then.” Kyungsoo replied, fixing Anna’s blanket which was really just a shirt.

 

Yehwa called back that afternoon with news for Jongin. She had managed to persuade her parents to help her take care of Anna. Yehwa was an only child and her parents had decided they didn’t want to lose both their only daughter and granddaughter. The only catch is that Yehwa is currently in Busan with her family, literally at the end of the country. Yehwa was too scared to go back to Seoul to pick Anna up. She was afraid her ex-boyfriend would find out as he had some mafia connections. Yehwa’s parents had never been to Seoul and were afraid of getting lost.

Yehwa passed the phone to her parents who begged Jongin and Kyungsoo to bring Anna all the way down to Busan. Yehwa’s parents agreed to pay Jongin and Kyungsoo a hefty compensation if they managed to bring her to them safely. Jongin and Kyungsoo looked at each other. They sure needed the money and giving Anna back to her family would be the best idea. They agreed to the plan on the spot.

As much as they hated to admit it, they had grown quite attached to Anna over the few days. They would certainly come to miss Anna once she was returned to her family. It was the right thing to do however. Neither Jongin nor Kyungsoo were emotionally or financially ready to raise a child. They both realized they still had faults themselves and in their relationship. Anna’s presence was a blessing as it made Jongin and Kyungsoo get along better and not react irrationally to the smallest of inconvenience. It made them realize how better things could be between them if they learnt to work together. A couple is supposed to be with each other after all, and not against each other.

 

Jongin looked up the prices for three train tickets to Busan the next day. Last minute tickets were pricey and Jongin calculated that the fuel cost to drive there would be cheaper. It was three times longer but it had to be done. They would be reimbursed later anyway. Getting the task done was the important now.

Jongin and Kyungsoo slept early that night and made sure they had everything for the six hours trip tomorrow. The both of them pooled in to buy a stuffed toy for Anna as a gift for her.

 

Jongin was holding Anna while Kyungsoo arranged the backseat of the car with pillows and bags that held the prepared milk flasks for the journey. Jongin was passing Anna to Kyungsoo when the sight at the end of the street shocked him.

Yehwa’s burly mafia ex-boyfriend was standing by a lamp post across the street where Jongin had parked. He saw Jongin holding the baby and looked very furious indeed. The only thing stopping him from crossing to get to Jongin was the busy road. He looked very ready to come over and lay down his wrath.

“He’s here”, Jongin trembled. “Yehwa’s ex-boyfriend found us.”

Kyungsoo took Anna in his hands before closing the back door shut. Jongin quickly got into the driver’s seat, making sure the doors were locked before starting the engine. Jongin couldn’t leave yet due to the busy street. Yehwa’s ex-boyfriend caught up to them and was slamming on the glass window shouting at them to hand Anna. The sound woke Anna up and she began crying.

Kyungsoo was trying to calm both him and Anna down. He was as equally scared. Yehwa’s ex-boyfriend resorted to punching the glass when he couldn’t have it his way. Jongin saw the opportunity when the road cleared a little, and floored the gas to leave the place. Kyungsoo turned to look through the rear window. He didn’t give much of a chase. It was almost impossible for a human to outrun a car.

“What do we do now?” Kyungsoo anxiously asked.

Anna had calmed down after a while and Kyungsoo had put her down on the pillows he had arranged in the backseat.

“We keep on going. Our plans haven’t changed.” Jongin responded, looking at a shocked Kyungsoo from his mirror.

 

Jongin did not stop driving until they arrived two cities over in Daejeon. Jongin stopped by a gas station so they could have a toilet break and refill the car. Kyungsoo bought sandwiches and coffee from the gas station’s convenience service, and ate together in the car with the doors locked just to be sure.

“We should be far enough by now”, Jongin reassured as he took a sip from the coffee cup.

“Doesn’t this feel a bit like a family trip?” Kyungsoo questioned from the back seat, resting his head forward on the back of the front passenger seat. Anna was still sleeping beside him

“With two gay men and a stolen baby.” Jongin laughed.

“It’s unconventional alright”, Kyungsoo added.

“I’ve never been on a family trip” Jongin smiled, turning behind to look at Kyungsoo.

“What a poor baby you are Jongin”, Kyungsoo sarcastically mocked Jongin.

Jongin laughed and decided to tease Kyungsoo while he was at it. “Will you be my daddy then and take me on a ride to remember? In the bedroom of course.”

Kyungsoo kicked Jongin’s seat from behind, “You speak just like your sister around kids.”

Jongin almost spilled his coffee from the jerk but didn’t seem to mind it. Jongin was more amused at how embarrassed Kyungsoo was.

 

Jongin and Kyungsoo made another stop in Gumi, a city after Daejeon, to have lunch and change Anna’s diapers in the parking lot. After that, another stop was made in Daegu when Anna threw up her milk all over Kyungsoo’s clothes. Kyungsoo had brought extra clothes as he and Jongin weren’t sure if they would be able come home the same day, and foresaw that they might need to spend a night somewhere else. Anna had run out of clean clothes from the little attire Yehwa had left her with.

Jongin didn’t feel that sending Anna back without clothes was a good impression. Especially since Yehwa’s parents barely trusted Jongin and Kyungsoo, and had resorted to basically bribing them with the money to take Anna all the way to them. Jongin was sure Yehwa didn’t trust him too much either, but she had no choice in the situation.

Kyungsoo located a baby supplies store with his phone and both he and Jongin pooled in to buy a set of clothes for Anna. It was pricey but just like the stuffed teddy bear they had got for her, they wrote it off as a gift for Anna.

Kyungsoo thought that Jongin could make a good father. Jongin secretly thought the same of Kyungsoo. It was a good idea but being put first hand in the situation only made them realize how flawed and unready they were. It wasn’t brought up but there were certainly things they could do to improve the situation. It didn’t have to be tears and cuts all the time.

 

After another hour on the road, the unlikely trio arrived in Busan at almost nighttime. Using the address Yehwa had given them and GPS, they easily found where Yehwa currently lived with her parents. Kyungsoo had called Yehwa beforehand to inform them they had arrived in Busan.

By the time, Jongin pulled over in front of Yehwa’s home; Yehwa came bursting through to the front door to the driveway. Her parents followed cautiously behind her whispering to each other and shooting glares towards them.

Kyungsoo passed over Anna to an ecstatic Yehwa. Yehwa and her parents began crying once she held Anna in her arms. Kyungsoo too felt like he would cry at the moment but managed to stay composed. Jongin reached for the supply bag Yehwa had left them with, and promptly returned it to her mother. Jongin carefully tucked the stuffed toy into the bag before he gave it away.

 

Yehwa’s parents invited the pair in for dinner. Kyungsoo and Jongin did not refuse and had a hearty dinner with the reunited family. Yehwa’s mother had cooked extra for the occasion and as gratitude for bringing Anna home. There, they learnt Anna’s real name was actually Yeonjung. Yehwa laughed when she heard Jongin and Kyungsoo calling Yeonjung by the name Anna.

It was late and just as expected, they would have to stay the night in Busan. Jongin and Kyungsoo bade their goodbye to Yeonjung after spending a total of five days with her. Yehwa’s father handed Kyungsoo a thick brown envelope containing the money he had promised for Yeonjung’s safe return. Jongin asked how Yehwa would deal with her ex-boyfriend in the current situation. Yehwa revealed she had lodged a police report against him for abuse and his past crimes. An arrest warrant had been also been issued for him.

Yehwa came over to the car before Jongin and Kyungsoo got in. “I’m sorry about what I said about you, Jongin. You could use some help though I think. You’re not that bad of a person.”

Jongin chuckled, “Thanks I guess? You should take care of yourself too now that you got a kid.”

Yehwa smiled and turned to Kyungsoo. “Thank you too. Be careful with Jongin still.”

Kyungsoo shrugged, “…okay?”

Jongin almost felt like laughing. Instead he pulled Kyungsoo by the shoulder and grabbed his face to kiss him passionately. Kyungsoo was surprised at first but quickly got back into it, kissing Jongin back.

Yehwa rolled her eyes. “I get it, okay. Just take care of each other, alright?”

This time, all three of them ended up laughing.

 

Kyungsoo was back to sitting in the front seat now that he didn’t have a baby to take care of. He and Jongin surely did learn a thing or two from caring for Yeonjung. Kyungsoo also had to constantly remind himself that it was “Yeonjung” and not “Anna”.

Jongin nudged Kyungsoo, “How much did we get?”

Kyungsoo’s face lit up when he was reminded about the cash they had been given. Kyungsoo reached into his pocket and pulled out the envelope, turning to look at Jongin who was looking at him back.

“Go ahead.” Jongin urged.

Kyungsoo unsealed the envelope and counted a total of sixty 50,000 won bills.

 “So if we split it in half, I should have enough money for two months of extra allowance.” Kyungsoo announced.

“It should be enough for me to get by for a month without a job too.” Jongin added. “We’ll still need to find a place to stay tonight though.”

Kyungsoo pulled out his phone and began looking for cheap motels around the area. Kyungsoo crunched his nose at the results. It was mostly love hotels although they came with good reviews and reasonable prices.

After a while Jongin inquired, “Did you find anything yet? It’s getting late.”

Kyungsoo sighed, “Just love motels if you don’t mind.”

Jongin laid a hand on Kyungsoo’s clothed thigh and squeezed it. “I don’t. Do you? We don’t have a baby with us now. It should be okay.”

Kyungsoo was quiet for a moment, both hands holding his phone up and his face looking towards Jongin.

“Yeah, I don’t mind.” Kyungsoo agreed.

 

It certainly did feel lonely without Yeonjung around. Jongin’s hopes of getting it on were unfulfilled as he was too tired from the trip and fell asleep once his head hit the pillow. Kyungsoo couldn’t quite say if he was disappointed but he certainly did feel the fatigue too. For the first time in a few days, Jongin and Kyungsoo slept straight through the night without being awoken by a crying baby.

They woke up late next morning at almost noon, just when they had to check out of the motel. Jongin and Kyungsoo rushed to shower and change before checking out. They were slightly disappointed that they had managed to spend a night in a love motel and do nothing but sleep.


	14. Final

 

After lunch, they began the drive to leave Busan. This time, only one stop was made halfway to refill gas and buy food. Kyungsoo fed Jongin while he drove. The trip was faster this time. Jongin had no qualms driving faster now that there wasn’t a baby on board.

It got quiet after a while. Jongin looked to the side and Kyungsoo was fast asleep, his head on the window. Jongin smiled to himself. He liked being alone and spending time with Kyungsoo. It made him feel closer and more connected to Kyungsoo. It felt like there was one moment they could share together where only they were the center of attention. Jongin wished it would be like this all the time. Jongin didn’t want to ruin anything between them. He felt that he was lucky enough to have someone love him and stick by him despite all that he had done. Jongin did not want to lose that.

Jongin made the detour to Kyungsoo’s hometown in Daebudo instead of Seoul. It was just another extra forty minutes by road. Kyungsoo awoke when the car slowed down in city limits. It was almost 8pm when they arrived, around the time the sun sets in mid May. Kyungsoo woke up to the familiar street and shops surrounding him.

“What are we doing here?” Kyungsoo questioned, sitting up straight.

“You’re supposed to be with your family and I had you stay with me. There’s 4 days of break left so I’m dropping you off at your place.” Jongin explained, focused on driving and eyes not leaving the road.

Kyungsoo was a bit confused. “Uh…are you staying over too? I’ll let my parents know.”

Kyungsoo was almost reaching for his phone to call his parents when Jongin spoke up. “Nah, I have to go back to Seoul. I’m going to try and get my job back.”

“Oh.” Kyungsoo exclaimed. “Good luck then.”

Jongin smiled and muttered a low “Thanks”.

 

Jongin dropped off Kyungsoo in front of his house. Kyungsoo’s grandfather’s store from across the street was still open. Kyungsoo’s grandfather saw him exiting the car and waved at him from the store window. Kyungsoo waved back.

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay over?” Kyungsoo asked one more time, leaning over on the wind down window on the driver’s side.

“Think of it as a break, Kyungsoo.” Jongin replied, looking at Kyungsoo from inside the car.

“I don’t need a break from you.” Kyungsoo declared. “You must think you’re bothering me, right?”

Jongin chuckled. “Stop reading my mind, Kyungsoo.” He wasn’t expecting Kyungsoo to read him easily. Then again, Kyungsoo had always been rather good at that.

“I think we should talk, Jongin. Want to walk down the beach with me? My grandfather saw you and he’ll expect you to come over for dinner at least.” Kyungsoo suggested.

Jongin sighed and looked away in thought. There was a moment of silence before he spoke up. “Yeah, I guess I’ll take a walk with you for a while.

Kyungsoo smiled at Jongin’s agreement. Jongin parked his car properly and followed Kyungsoo into his house. Kyungsoo was setting his bag down and changing his clothes when Jongin came in. Kyungsoo’s family was home and glad to see Jongin there. They pestered Jongin to stay the night, although Jongin politely said he wasn’t sure and would probably drive back to Seoul later. Jongin agreed to stay for dinner however.

No mention of Yeonjung was made throughout the dinner with Kyungsoo’s family. Although they had not come to a verbal agreement on the topic, they both silently agreed it would be a secret between them much like their sexualities and status as a couple. Jongin helped Kyungsoo lie that he came home several days later because he was working on some group projects. Jongin pretended to back Kyungsoo’s claim by exaggerating how busy Kyungsoo was. Nobody suspected anything and certainly no one would expect it was all because of a baby.

 

 

After dinner, Jongin walked down the beach just like he had agreed earlier. It was not that late and there were several people on the beach still, mostly having barbecues and gathering around a campfire. It was a popular tourist area and in the holiday week, so it was no strange sight to see people around.

Jongin and Kyungsoo walked down slowly along the shore passing by the people and vendors. Kyungsoo had rolled his pants up to his knee and was walking barefooted near the water, his hands carrying his shoes. Jongin was walking on the dry sand with his hands in the pockets of his trousers. There was about a two feet distance between them. It was also very quiet among the both of them. All that was heard was the soft waves, the sea breeze and the background chatter of the people having fun on the beach. No one paid any attention or seemed to bother them.

They walked far enough down to a quieter more secluded part of the beach. It was slightly darker but it was a full moon that night, enabling them to see well enough. The campfire and lights from the people were still visible from where they were. Their merry sounds could still be faintly heard carried over by the breeze.

Jongin had no sense of path and direction, and was basically following Kyungsoo around. It was Kyungsoo’s hometown after all. Jongin imagined Kyungsoo would know the path on the beach very well.

Kyungsoo sat down with his legs up on the sand. The tide was high from the full moon so Kyungsoo sat further up to avoid getting wet. Kyungsoo was still shoeless, his shoes lying on the sand beside him.

Jongin followed suit and sat beside Kyungsoo. “So, what was it you wanted to tell me?”

Kyungsoo answered, eyes fixed on the ocean ahead of him, “I was thinking we should go to therapy together when we get back to Seoul. I heard about one on campus to help us students. We should really go.”

Jongin’s mouth gaped open slightly to say something but he was still unsure of what to say.

“We both have issues, Jongin.” Kyungsoo mentioned, turning to look at Jongin.  “…and we’re not dealing with it in a healthy manner. I don’t think we should keep hurting each other.”

 

Jongin was still rendered speechless. Kyungsoo was ready this time if Jongin were to blow up. Jongin always got angry when a heavy issue such as this was brought up. Jongin didn’t get angry this time. Jongin realized how he had acted all these while, and how much it had hurt Kyungsoo when he did so. Jongin certainly did not wish to hurt Kyungsoo anymore. Jongin was just shocked and scared now. He never learnt the proper way to deal with it and now he was made to deal with it the first time.

Jongin hugged his legs together and pressed his face against his knees. “I don’t know what to do.” He muttered lowly.

Kyungsoo put a hand out to pat him on the back. “It’s okay. I am here for you. We can do it together.”

Jongin exhaled deeply, lifting his head to look at Kyungsoo, “You think I can do it?”

“It’s okay to be scared of something you’re unsure of. But if we don’t change, we’ll just keep repeating the cycle.” Kyungsoo reassured him, his hand now cupping Jongin’s face.

Jongin began to smile. “Promise me you’ll be with me though?”

“Does it look I’m going anywhere?” Kyungsoo teased, he too was smiling now.

Jongin leant in to embrace Kyungsoo and kiss him. Kyungsoo kissed him back with equal passion. They lay down on the sand side by side looking at the moon and stars. It was beginning to get chilly. It was a clear night and no cloud blocked their view of the night sky. The beach was beginning to get quiet as it got later.

Jongin grabbed Kyungsoo’s hand lying at his side. Intertwining their fingers with each other, Jongin proclaimed, “I love you, Kyungsoo.”

Kyungsoo rolled over on his side to look at Jongin staring his way. “Finally.”

Jongin laughed. Kyungsoo kissed him on the forehead. “I love you too.”

 

It wasn’t always smooth sailing from thereon. They did run into several bumps and setbacks between the both of them or personally with themselves. Such is the thing called life. However, what matter the most was their acceptance of each other and the willingness to pick up where they slacked. Jongin and Kyungsoo learnt it was “with” and not “against” each other. It wasn’t always a steady climb and sometimes it felt difficult but they pulled through by helping each other.

Jongin and Kyungsoo also slowly began coming out as a couple and as gay to the people around them. Not everyone was supportive but they felt lucky their families and closest friends were okay with it. They knew they couldn’t please everyone but at least they were pleased to be with each other.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truth be told. I was planning to write something darker than this but I felt like the characters took over and told me how to write it instead. It sort of turned out "okay" than I expected. I didn't want to keep dragging out something that sort of derailed than what I planned for.  
> This is the first chaptered fic I wrote and completed in 5 years. It has been a good warm up.  
> Thank you to everyone reading this and all your comments, kudos etc. :)


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